By SETH BARNES barnes- Read more of his political satire at www.VotersWrite.org
THE 2008 PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION cycle has seen citizens in six states head to the polls, millions of dollars in paid media, countless debates and nothing, absolutely nothing, has been sorted out (except for the fact that Fred Thompson is a total lush).
Given this unpredictable political climate, and the high stakes of Super Duper Cataclysmic Approximation of Armageddon Tuesday on Feb. 5, it’s become apparent that the gloves are going to come off.
“I expect murderous, vicious, blood-curdling political engagement on all fronts,” said Henry Reynolds, chief political analyst for Headline News. “I am talking heart-wrenching political trickery and deception. Political combat at its finest, baby.”
Reynolds, giddy to the point of dementia and licking his lips like a cur, speculated that a change in strategy was in order since the candidates haven’t been successful reaching voters when talking about the issues.
“They are going to start hitting the living, freaking bejesus out of each other!!” he shouted like a WWE announcer. “Hillary is going to takedown Barack, he’s going to hit back. Hard, with deadly force if we’re lucky! On the Republican side, McCain’s not going to take this crap any longer. He’s going to pounce all over his opponents like a monkey in a cage.”
Analysts like Reynolds have long speculated that the 2008 election could be the most expensive, arduous, hard-fought and homicidal contest in modern memory. After eight years of a contentious Bush administration the country appears to be at a crossroads. The fact that no identifiable front-runner has emerged has only added to scorched-earth frenzy that typifies modern political discourse. At one time, the phrase “brutal political combat” was just a euphemism describing how passionately and aggressively candidates worked at getting their message out. Now, it seems to accurately describe activities such as fighting with clubs, dissemination of small pox, and laying daisy cutter land mines at opponents’ campaign stops So what crimes against humanity can we expect? “Kidnapping, bodily mutilation, and elder abuse,” promised a frenzied Reynolds, ticking off the horrific acts he expects (and dreams about) the candidates perpetrating on each other. “Loan-sharking, genocide, ponzi schemes, wanton destruction of endangered species. Barack Obama and his cronies will senselessly pistol whip John Edwards into a coma and stuff his body into a high-school locker. A hydrogen bomb may discharge in Fort Jacks, Georgia. I’m told that Rambo may join Mitt Romney on the campaign trail and personally fill Chuck Norris so full of bullet holes that he looks like a piece of Swiss cheese. Anything your sick mind can think of, you’re going to see in the days leading up to Super Tuesday.” The conventional wisdom is that the candidate with the best acumen for deception and amoral skulduggery will rise to the top. In the past, campaigns often made the faithful decision to go negative, this time, they’re going straight to nuclear.
“It’s survival of the fittest out there, may the most powerful and politically fit carry the day,” chanted Reynolds as if he was kicking off a rally for Benito Mussolini.
“War! War! War!” yelled Reynolds as he beat a Civil War-era drum and loaded up his great-grandfather’s musket. While many in the media have trouble disguising their enthusiasm for the strategic and tactical side of politics over the issues of the day, Mr. Reynolds was setting a new standard for promoting the political horse race.
He looked into the distance and spoke like a prophet who’d just had a fleeting spiritual experience. “With luck, a massive wall of fire will engulf the entire Rust Belt, shearing East Coast from West, turning fellow citizen against fellow citizen in a massive, generational tragedy the historians will call Civil War II.” Reynolds fell to his knees and opened his arms to the heavens, “And that means that in 2012 we’ll have two presidential elections!”
Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press print edition on January 31, 2008. Read the original PDF.