... When a buddy of the Buzzmeister called and told him about a bunch of free-loaders getting all sorts of brazen near his house, well what can you do? Welcome to life in the big city, chum. But then, Buzz remembered, ol’ buddy ol’ pal lived north of Wilshire, within a stone’s throw of Montana. He doesn’t feed them, lest to encourage them, but apparently they keep coming around and have figured out how to use thumbs to open garbage bin lids and whatnot. Buzz didn’t quite catch this dude’s drift, especially after he offered to make Buzz a vintage, Davey Crockett-style hat. As much as Buzz would like to channel his inner Fess Parker, ladies love the hair...... Speaking of the fine young thangs, there was a beaut on a bike that caught Buzz’ eye recently — the wind caressing her hair, pink bicycle weaving about, a smile that would outshine Poncherello. Her cares were anywhere but with her. Buzz was a brimmin’ with visions of beach walks, castles and happily ever after... that is, until the screaming man stopped, pointed at her and shouted: “Ladies and gentlemen, Drew Barrymore.” (insert record scratching to a halt here) All conversations sputtered and all eyes turned to the girl, who ducked her head in embarrassment and pedaled away with vigor. Buzz’s ‘Angel’ had fluttered away. Sorry, Charlie...... To the two women standing in front of the storefront window of Upscale Furniture on Lincoln Boulevard last Sunday, flexing their muscles like lil’ governors, Buzz got a glimpse, and with it a weird image burned into his brain. Buzz doesn’t need anything else burning in his brain...... Walking through the alleys of Mid-City one night, as Buzz is want to do while pondering the universe’s mysteries, a faint voice called from above. “Lord, I never envisioned you a shy, middle-aged, Latina,” Buzz replied. “Not that there’s anything wrong with that.” Turns out, it wasn’t God this time, but a woman who had locked herself in her own bathroom and needed a locksmith. Apparently, she had already caught up on her paperwork...... Shopping for a mango fruit drink at Albertsons at Ocean Park and Lincoln boulevards was supposed to right Buzz. A shot of vitamin C typically has him sweating out the sin, but Buzz was befuddled when the bagger insisted he take a bag to encase his sweet nectar.
“Nah, friend, Buzz will wear it out.” “Take the bag.” “I don’t want the bag.” “Take the bag.” “I’m just going to drink it straight away, my dutiful, double-bagging compadre.”
“TAKE THE BAG.” Buzz isn’t sure what to make of this kind of upselling, but if bagger boy wasn’t so scary he just might make a good Styrofoam salesman.
Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press print edition on October 9, 2006. Read the original PDF.