By ICONOCLAST BLAST BY SETH BARNES (Seth Barnes )
I never thought I’d say it, but I’m going to miss the “Ashes and Snow”installation down by the Santa Monica Pier. Look, I just don’t have a good feel for art, especially contemporary art. Especially art so modern that it depicts humans and animals doing funny things together in the desert with a faux Lion King soundtrack blaring in the background. Call me a philistine, but when I spend a couple hours in a warehouse of dilapidated shipping containers, I need something concrete — a narrative, hot dogs and beer, a basketball game — to keep my attention.
While I didn’t personally take to the exhibit, it’s clear that the rest of Los Angeles was gaga over this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. And I’m happy you all enjoyed it. It was good for the community and the overall vitality of the area. I’d imagine the exhibit was an economic boon, and there’s no doubt that landing the sought-after artistic event increased the cultural cache of our fair city. I walked by “Ashes and Snow” on Mother’s Day, at the end of its Santa Monica run, and was astounded by the hundreds, maybe thousands, of people standing patiently in line for one more chance to walk through a maze of oversized photographs and buy $100 coffee table book afterwards.
Not to mention that I’d gotten used to the ol’ pile of shipping containers stacked up by the pier. On smoggy days you felt like you were smack dab in the Port of Long Beach.
So how can we keep the momentum from “Ashes and Snow” going? Obviously we need something in its vacated footprint to fill the void.
Luckily, I have some suggestions. As always, feel free to write with brilliant suggestions of your own. 1) Expand Muscle Beach: Clearly this would be a winner on the tourist front.
Whenever I have friends or family in town, this is the first place I take them. You never can have too many muscle-bound freaks and freakettes gyrating and swinging around in full public view. 2) Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. Fish Farm: Maybe they could throw a legit shrimping boat into the “farming” waters. Perhaps a theme ride with Forrest and Bubba at the helm? 3) Short Track Rollerblading Rink: I’m biased on this one because I’ve basically become a pro rollerblader the last few months skating up and down our exquisite oceanside bikepath. But how cool would it be to have a legit short track so rollerbladers could do their best Apollo Anton Ono? This would also force me to buy the wrist guards and knee pads that I definitely should be wearing on a regular basis. Demolition Derby anyone? 4) Santa Monica Boardwalk Merchants: Here’s the deal. We move those lovable characters hawking their wares down in Venice up to Santa Monica a few times a month. This would provide a splash of down-home funkiness to staid, uptight Santa Monica. And think of the tax revenues we could collect from each hemp necklace or tobacco pipe sale. Those merchants turn more than 100 percent of the sales tax they collect to Venice, correct? 5) Add another storm drain: Let’s just say the Pico storm drain looks, um, a little taxed lately. Every time it rains we have caution tape, bulldozers, and cesspools the next day. I think it’s becoming a little much for Heal The Bay. A second storm drain might not be the most pleasant addition from an olfactory or aesthetic standpoint, but we dearly need it. 6) Used car lot: Hey, we’ve already had slabs of rusty metal stacked down by the pier in the name of “art.” So let’s put some solid American capitalism on full display. There’s nothing more American than culture and commerce and we just finished a six month run of culture. And come to think of it, culture isn’t an American value. Not even close.
Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press print edition on May 25, 2006. Read the original PDF.