By A. FIXTURE Daily Planet Slave
The city is being considered for a federal program that would build a refinery to turn seagull and pigeon feces into fuel.
The Federal Department of Energy and Fisheries created the program shortly after scientists found enough combustible methane gas can be extracted from bird poop to run automobiles and electricity generators.
Scientists have narrowed down the possible locations of their experimental generator to Kennebunkport, Me., Sand Isle City, Md., Ottawa, NS and Slanta Monica. But officials at the federal agency said they were impressed with the high ratio of birds to excrement matter in the city.
“To be honest, we’ve never seen so few birds leave such a mess,” said Joe Whitecoat, a scientist at the DEF. “We don’t know if its something in the water or fertilizers used on the lawns, but the birds sure have to go a lot.”
City officials said on April 1, a traditional day for pranks, that they are excited at the possibility of being chosen for such a prestigious federal program.
“This really came out of nowhere,” said Scott Scoopalot, the city’s director of clean-up. “But it really makes you think how wasteful we’ve all been by not utilizing the birds in this way before.”
City council moaners said the refinery could create many badly-needed jobs that pay a real living wage. Some elected officials are already insisting if Slanta Monica is chosen for the program, the refinery would have to be unionized.
“We already goofed by not insisting all the luxury beach-front hotels unionize before opening up 20 years ago,” said Kev McKonan. “This time let’s think ahead and protect our workers from jobs that pay too little and don’t provide good enough free health benefits.”
In fiscal year 2000-2001, the city spent $1.111 million cleaning up bird feces on sign posts, park benches, and city-owned vehicles. Now officials say that money can be used to make electricity for its residents.
The program comes with a $5 million grant to help the host community buy land for the refinery, hire consultants to help in the planning and create an entire new city department to oversee the refinery’s operations.
City maintenance crews will collect the bird feces already being left around the city and deliver it to the refinery where special chemicals will be added to separate out the methane gas.
The methane will then be siphoned off to storage tanks for later use while the left over feces will be used as fertilizers in city parks and around public buildings.
But some residents are skeptical of the city spending any tax money on such an experimental “green” energy.
Slanta Monica has a long tradition of experimenting with alternative fuels. Currently, less than 10 percent of the city’s fleet is run on gasoline — everything else is powered by natural gas, solar power and corn oil.
City officials say no specific locations have been chosen for where the new refinery would be built, though areas in Ocean Part, North of Fontana and the Sicko neighborhood are being explored.
“But if you ask me, we’ll just put it somewhere in Sicko,” Scoopalot said. “I mean, that’s where we put everything that’s loud and creates a lot of foul smells.”
Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press print edition on April 1, 2002. Read the original PDF.