Hate to say I told you so, but 12 months ago in an annual exercise in prognostication, I predicted that 2004 was going to be a difficult year. And, boy, was it ever! Granted, I wasn’t completely on the mark on all counts — after all it was Janet Jackson and NOT Britney Spears whose exposed breast set the country, uh, a’titter — but then again I did foretell the passing of both Ole’ Dirty Bastard and the Democratic Party. With a new year upon us, it’s once again time to tap into the psychic kegger and serve up a frosty pitcher of prophecy. Here’s a month-by-month soothsaying of what’s in store for us in 2005: JANUARY: After being sworn in for his second term in the Oval Office, a pumped-up President Bush announces he’s replacing his popular catchphrase “Freedom is on the march” with the more straightforward battle cry of “Screw y’all, foreigners!”
FEBRUARY: In the Sudan, thousands of people are slaughtered in the ongoing genocide, leaving singing sensations Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey no choice but to cancel the Darfurian leg of their world tour. UN Secretary General Kofi Annan, an avowed “Newlyweds” fan, tearfully implores the international community to intervene.
MARCH: CBS News replaces retiring anchor Dan Rather with “The Miz” guy from MTV’s “The Real World.”
APRIL: How long? How long must they sing those songs? U2 launches world tour in Miami. When the hell is this guy gonna find what he’s looking for anyway? Dude, you’re BONO! If I were you, I’d have found what I’m after 3,000 groupies ago.
MAY: There’s panic in the streets after The Miz mistakes a DVD copy of “Team America” for news footage, goes on the air and announces that North Korea has attacked the United States. In the wake of the confusion, an angry Kim Jong Il bombs the set of the “Road Rules-Real World Challenge.” A nation mourns the loss of Johnny Moseley and Puck.
JUNE: There’s panic at office coolers nationwide, as word spreads that the final season of “The Sopranos” has been delayed another two years. Apple releases a new portable listening device called the iPood, which can hold up to 1,000 MP3 recordings of babies crapping in their diapers.
JULY: In a tell-all book, Pete Rose admits to betting that Barry Bonds was using steroids. Also, at a backyard barbecue in West Texas, redneck Jimmy Bob Dickey dies after uttering the ominous last words, “Hold my beer. Watch this...”
AUGUST: Rapper Tupac Shakur continues to defy the notion that death is a career killer by releasing yet another posthumous, chart-topping record. In other dead music career news, Hootie parts ways with the Blowfish to record a Christmas album with the surviving member of Milli Vanilli. African officials announce that everyone in the Sudan is dead. Jessica and Nick resume touring.
SEPTEMBER: At a “Hilary in ’08” fundraiser in Hollywood, New York Sen. Hilary Clinton continues to deny she has plans to run for president in 2008.
OCTOBER: Pedro Martinez leads the Mets to victory over the Red Sox in the World Series. New Englanders instantly begin whining about the “Curse of the Geri-Curled Hombre.” Sally Henderson of Davenport, Iowa, can’t stop laughing over the clever pun in a supermarket circular about “frightfully low prices” on Halloween candy.
NOVEMBER: Hootie Vanilli’s Christmas album is released and rockets to the top of the charts.
DECEMBER: Howard Stern shocks listeners during his final radio broadcast when he admits he really isn’t all that into lesbians. On the 25th anniversary of his death, people all over the world remember John Lennon, celebrating the fact that there’s never been anyone better.
Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press print edition on January 7, 2005. Read the original PDF.