“House of Wax” is a fatally dumb slasher flick from tyro feature director Jaume Collet-Serra that bears little resemblance to the 1953 Goth-horror classic from which it draws its name. The original was filmed in 3-D and starred master of the macabre Vincent Price as a twisted curator who uses corpses to create eerily lifelike wax sculptures for his museum. This “update” features Paris Hilton and a cast of WB Network wannabes playing almost impossibly dimwitted teens trapped in a Louisiana ghost town with a pair of deranged twin brothers who try to whack and wax the lot of them. Scripted by brothers Chad and Carey Hayes, “House of Wax” is a bloody mess of lifeless dialogue, patent illogic and some of the worst screen acting of this or any other year.
Care to guess who leads the way on the last count? Just as some prefer the New York Times to Cosmo Girl magazine or A&E over E!, opinions vary on Paris’ triumphant ascent to the top of Celebrity Hill. But with this, her first major movie role, the world’s most famous heiress has given us all something to agree upon: She can’t act. Strike a sexy pose, yes. Fit comfortably into a size two, sure. Convincingly portray another living, breathing human being? Unh-uh. Not this time, at least. Fortunately for Paris, her young costars — most notably Elisha Cuthbert (“24”) and Chad Michael Murray (“One Tree Hill”) — go to great lengths not to show her up, slogging through one dubious contrivance after another with all the brio of a depressed water buffalo. If this were a zombie film, the trio of Hilton, Murray and Cuthbert would be shoe-ins for Oscar nominations. Where you’re likely to find them sharing the bill next, however, is in the Worst Actor category at next year’s Razzie Awards. (Rated R for horror violence, some sexual content and language. Running time: 116 minutes)
Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press print edition on May 6, 2005. Read the original PDF.