TUESDAY WAS THE 4TH ANNIVERSARY of “Mission Accomplished” (or as I refer to it, “Nothing Accomplished.”) I still can’t believe that absurd aircraft carrier photo-op. It was embarrassing then, worse now. Fittingly, also on Tuesday, Bush vetoed the Iraq spending bill, calling benchmarks a recipe for failure. And who would know more about failure? The “Commander Guy,” as he calls himself, has literally gotten every single thing wrong. Put it this way — if George Bush were the manager of a K-Mart, he’d have been fired long ago.
Much of the other news lately has been mundane. Take Rosie’s leaving “The View.” (It’s sad that’s considered news.) Rumor is her replacement may be Roseanne. For some that’s going from bad to worse, although Rosie can be very funny. On Bill Maher, she pointed out the hypocrisy of the Bush administration’s gay bashing when so many of them are gay.
“What upset Republicans about Monica Lewinsky,” Roseanne joked, “was that she was a girl!”
News a little more earth shattering (pun intended) came from European astronomers who discovered a new planet. (Obviously not “new,” but new to them.) They say it’s potentially habitable, has earth-like temperatures, and may be a huge step in the search for “life in the universe.” (As opposed to Washington, D.C.) Actually, this new planet may be none too soon because it looks like we’re using this one up.
Adding to concerns back on earth are reports that as much as one-third of the world’s bee population has suddenly disappeared. Pete Seeger’s, “Where have all the flowers gone” should be renamed “Where have all the bees gone?” So much for honey baked hams. Years ago, we were worried about swarms of killer bees, now they’ve all left town. Thirty percent all our food, fruits, vegetables and nuts, come from plants pollinated by bees. Oh, well. People tell me there’s a better planet ahead.
“Commander guy” — George bush’s war drags on endlessly, exhausting our treasure of lives and money
Scientists have named this new planet Gliese 581C. (Which explains why they’re not in advertising.) They say Gliese is the right size and might have water in liquid form, which as it happens is how I like my water. In galactic terms, it is relatively close at 120 trillion miles away. But getting there could be pricey at today’s gas prices. (Under Clinton $1.40 a gallon, under Bush $3.50 -- that may have been the real “Mission Accomplished.”) But the way earth is literally melting, we may have no choice. Thankfully, the star Gliese closely orbits is much cooler than our sun, so also, we won’t need nearly as much sunblock.
“The discovery is a significant step,” said astronomer Michel Mayor, one of the 11 scientists who found the planet. (Was it really 11, or was it one guy shouting to the other 10, “Hey fellas, you’re not gonna believe this!”) Alan Boss, of the Carnegie Institution, calls it “a major milestone in this business.” Funny, I never thought of astronomy as a business. The planet was discovered by use of a special instrument that splits light to find wobbles in different wave lengths. Those wobbles can reveal the existence of other worlds. On the other hand, a wobble in your satellite dish can really mess up your TV reception. Go figure.
Before you book your extrastellar flight to Gliese, a few caveats. Anyone on the new planet would be instantly heavier and birthdays would pile up faster since it orbits its star every 13 days. (Like I’m not aging fast enough?) Gravity is 1.6 times as strong as earth’s, so a 150-pound person would feel like 240 pounds, which could lead to an identity crisis for Kate Moss.
Talk of a new planet after we’ve ruined this one reminds me of when the nuclear energy industry first sold itself in the early ’50s. In their finite wisdom, Congress timidly asked about the pesky “nuclear waste” problem. They were reassured by the time it became an issue, technology would solve it. Tell that to the folks who live near Yucca Mountain, Nevada.
In the meantime, the polar ice caps are melting 30 years sooner than predicted. George “Commander Guy” Bush’s war drags on endlessly, exhausting our treasure of lives and money.
And then there’s the bees. I’m hoping they come back soon. Somehow “saccharine baked ham” doesn’t sound right. But maybe I shouldn’t worry. People tell me there’s a better planet ahead. I just hope it’s ours.
Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press print edition on May 4, 2007. Read the original PDF.