As of recently, I have been picking up tips on how to meet women from Dr. Paul Hartunian, the esteemed author of “How to Find the Love of Your Life in 90 Days or Less” and a self-proclaimed Love Doctor.
According to Hartunian, the key to scoring is to steer clear of bars and night-clubs and look for that Special Someone in the newspaper personal ads.
Now normally, I'd balk at such ludicrousness, figuring that finding love in pages usually reserved for used furniture or second-hand cars makes as much sense as visiting yard sales looking for lunch. But desperation trumps reason when it comes to matters of the heart.
My roommate, Bottomfeeder, has proven to be of little help. His philosophy is that “any woman who would date you because of what you do for a living NEEDS to be lied to.” Unemployed lo these many months, he carries a Mercedes keychain that he leaves on the bar after excusing himself to answer a fake-emergency page that referred to him as “Doctor.”
So, I grow forlorn and sick to death of trying to score chicks outside the UCLA student union and finally pick up the phone, having circled a few likely ads, and start dialing for dates. All told, I contacted eight potential partners — the cream of the personal ad crop, trust me — leaving each and every one the same message: “Hi, they call me The FunHog but in a playful way. I’m in my late 20s, 6-foot-3, about 200 lbs., with longish flaxen hair, blue eyes and a really hip Van Dyke. Many people say I’m a cross between Fabio and Tom Hanks but they discount my playful Woody Allen eyes. I’m a strong, rugged, outdoorsy-type, yet extremely in touch with my sensitive side. In fact, lately I’ve been touching my sensitive side with alarming regularity. I’m a financially secure professional with several dozen post-graduate degrees under my stylish blackbelt.
“So, I grow forlorn and sick to death of trying to score chicks outside the UCLA student union and finally pick up the phone, having circled a few likely ads, and start dialing for dates. All told, I contacted eight potential partners — the cream of the personal ad crop... ”
“What do I like? Hey, I enjoy moonlit walks along sandy beaches, crying at movies, watching Ally McBeal, playing with kids, traveling, reading, cooking, cleaning, music, dancing and, most of all, snuggling by the fire at my place in Aspen. I’m spontaneous, yet pragmatic. Playful, yet stoic. Carefree, yet responsible. I’m a non-smoking, non-drinking, drug-free individual, but I’m willing to ‘experiment,’ if that’s your fancy. To be honest, I tend to listen too much in conversations and have this aversion to wasting time on televised sports now that I’ve collected the full set of ‘Mad About You’ episodes. I have lots of long-range goals and embrace commitment the way other men love power tools. If you’re cruising the freeway of love, give me a call and we’ll see where the road leads us. Ciao!”
Hartunian gave me lots of advice on how to go about courting these women once they called, mostly pertaining to the ins and outs of the all-important first date.
“The worst place to go is where most people go — dinner and a movie. It shows no creativity,” he said, discounting the fact that my message had already shown enough creativity for any one mortal.
The anti-usual-date advice continues: “You’re sitting across from each other for two hours over dinner, nervous, trying to think of things to talk about, losing your appetite, wondering if there’s a piece of spinach caught in your teeth. Very stress producing. Then you go to a movie and sit there for two hours and say nothing. It makes no sense at all.”
If you’re like me (and God help you if you are) Hartunian just described how the overwhelming majority of your first dates played out, and now you’re beginning to wonder if you’ll ever be able to woo the object of your desire. Well fret not, my fellow unimaginative idiots, there’s hope for us yet.
“The best place to go on a first date, bar none, is a comedy club. It’s a guaranteed winner,” he said. “You’re both laughing and having a great time, and at the end of the night, your date is probably going to say ‘I had a lot of fun being with you tonight.’”
And get this — nothing you said or did made the date a success... the comedian took care of that for you. Get it? You’re merely interesting by association. It’s personality by delegation.
Damn, this Hartunian is a genius. Then again, as of this writing, not a single one of the eight women I left messages for has returned my call. Sadly, I’ve got less than 70 days left to find the love of my life in accordance with the Hartunian Plan.
Still, I plan on getting my hands on a pair of tickets to an upcoming show at the Laugh Factory in the hope that someone — anyone — will come to her senses and drop me a line.
So if you’re out there, Ms. “Snow White Lookalike” or “Intelligence Turns Me On” or any of the others, I’m waiting by the phone... my sensitive side at the ready. (Dan Dunn, a Santa Monica resident, writes for Warner Bros. Online. For more FunHog fun, check out www.thefunhog.com.)
Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press print edition on May 20, 2002. Read the original PDF.