Do you ever find yourself wondering about the “what ifs?’’ of your life? I’m talking about questions like: “What if I had gone to that school instead of the one I graduated from?”; “What if I had married the girl I loved instead of the one I did?”; or “What if I hadn’t put that lamp shade on my head at the firm retreat and attempted to impersonate a Latvian belly dancer?”
There have been occasions that I have pondered the what ifs. But looking back, I’ve decided that in most cases,it is a waste of time.
For one thing, I’ve learned that we usually tend to focus on those things that lie in the direction we are looking, and, if that happens to be back at our past, what remains of our future doesn’t seem to get the attention it deserves. I’ve lived long enough now to know that life is a journey along a road that is often less than smooth. There are unanticipated twists and turns, not to mention the many bumps and dips. Some are ones we couldn’t possibly have anticipated, while others are of our own making. But either way, because they exist, we are necessarily called upon to make choices, and wherever that conundrum may exist, of one thing I am sure — mistakes will be made. It’s unavoidable.
After all, we’re humans, and so, by definition, less than perfect. (Take a moment to reflect in a mirror.) But acceptance of this reality is, to me, a good thing. It allows me to appreciate that, no matter what mistakes I may have made in the past, in many ways I’m not all that different from everyone else around me. And since my past mistakes are a good indicator that I will most likely continue to make others in the future, it leaves me with only one fundamental decision to make that will determine how the rest of my life will be spent: Will it be spent with joyful anticipation of what the future holds, or with remorse produced by past regrets?
If you think about it, shouldn’t the answer to that question be a no-brainer?
Consider, for example, two people I’ve known over the years. The first is a man who I’ve watched go from rags to riches, to rags again, and who is now on his way back to riches. Between stock market crashes, his wife’s cancer and various vacillations in the real estate market, he’s seen his share of hard times.
He could have been more than justified to whine with the best of them. But, to my knowledge, he never has. No matter what his personal circumstances happen to be, not once have I ever heard a regret or a complaint about anything that’s happened in the past uttered from his mouth. I’ve always found him to be looking forward to the next challenge and happily going about doing whatever it is he has to do to achieve it, as if that’s all he has to be concerned about. And, most importantly, he seems to accept, if not thoroughly enjoy, every moment of his life at the time. What I did not fully appreciate for years, however, was that he was this way because he made a choice to be that way.
The other person who comes to mind used to have much and then lost much of it. His career, his home and his high-flying status among his peers went away for a host of reasons beyond his control, and he is now in the process of finding his way back. But he’s different from the friend above in at least one important way: His focus always seems to be about the things he used to have, and that clouds his vision as to where he should be going.
Yet again, it seems to be a choice. When something he has is either lost or stolen, he becomes obsessed with the loss to the extent that he seems inclined to needlessly waste much energy on trying to recover what may never be regained. He also pursues his future goals with a focus on what used to be, to the extent that he misses opportunities that others might consider to have been sent by God. In other words, he colors his future through the prism of his past and, by doing so, he has done himself, and those around him, a significant disservice. Afraid of making mistakes like those in his past, he often flits around in the present in a state of indecision, and when he ultimately does make decisions, it often appears that he is more intent on cutting off his nose to spite his face than reigniting the positive direction he claims to have possessed in his youth. To me, that is a tragedy, because he has all the talent and intelligence of my other friend, but is stalled in a quagmire of doubts produced by his obsession with his past. What a waste.
So where does this leave us? The things of the past, whatever they may be for you, are in the past for a reason. Perhaps it would be best to leave them there and go forward. As my friend who always remains the optimist might put it,“It is in what lies ahead that the best part of what remains of our lives is to be found.” The point is that the choice as to which we shall be from here on out seems to be ours to make at any time. The only question that remains, therefore, is when, if ever, will we be of a mind to make that decision? For some of us, like my one friend, the answer may well be never. For the rest of us who haven’t already done so, however, maybe a good time to make that decision would be today.
Cliff Nichols is an attorney practicing criminal defense in Santa Monica. He may be contacted regarding this editorial at either (310) 917-1083, or www.cliffnicholslaw.com.
Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press print edition on October 18, 2006. Read the original PDF.