I’M DEFINITELY NOT HIGH TECH. IT WASN’T that long ago that I still had a transistor radio. But lately, all my friends seem to be buying plasma TVs and getting high def. (Which is probably not even high tech any-more.) The enthusiasm with which they brag about their new toys is cult-like. It’s just this side of jumping up and down on Oprah’s couch. An example is the Oscars this past Sunday. “It’ll be better than being there!” my friends promised. Since I wasn’t invited to the Oscars, it was kind of a moot point.
The problem was I had two offers at once. I weighed such crucial factors as the size of the TV and the quality of the dip. And of course, one friend had TiVo and the other didn’t. Obviously, when they read this, the cat will be out of the bag. (With that expression, I always wonder what cat and what bag? Or, with “there’s more than one way to skin a cat,” I say who would want to? And why would you need more than one way?) So what’s my verdict on the plasma-HD? Well, I think it’s odd at the same time we have wall-sized TVs, we have credit card-size cell phone cams. But yes, HD is amazing. Contrary to my friend’s ebullience, however, it doesn’t change how you view the world, only how you view TV.
As for the Oscars, I thought the show was dull. (Which, thankfully, the jalapeno dip was not.) I like Ellen. And her slipping Martin Scorcesse a screenplay, or having Steven Spielberg take a picture of her and Clint Eastwood for her MySpace was funny stuff. But maybe her style was too easy? There wasn’t the edge of Billy Crystal or Chris Rock. Unless you count Jack Nicholson’s shaved head, which looked like Daddy Warbucks meets the Star Wars bar, or Melissa Etheridge thanking her “wife.” (As one reporter noted, “These weren’t your grandmother’s Oscars. But I thought thanking your wife was a good thing?) There were a few numbers that puzzled me, like the sound effects choir. I still haven’t figured that one out. And for the winners, there was no place to put their Oscar. And many just read their speeches. They’re actors, right? Somehow I don’t think Peter O’Toole would have read his! Recalling moving acceptance speeches from the past that brought me to tears, this years’ just didn’t match up. Though I suppose it beat 1997, when Roberto Benigni (”A Beautiful Life”) practically leaped over chairs to get on stage and rambled incoherently for what seemed like days. That brought me to tears too, but for a different reason.
It’s possible my lack of enthusiasm may have been the TiVo. I discovered one can reduce four hours of the Oscars into one hour, but it was a bit of a blur. (It was like Jonathan Winters’ routine of touring all of Europe in a day.) I left out that we watched “60 Minutes” at the same time as the Oscars! (Don’t ask me how.) With the plasma, the HD and the TiVo, I felt like I had turned into my father, which reminded me of Mark Twain. At 14, Twain thought his father was so dumb he could barely stand to be around him. But at 21, he was shocked at how smart his father had become.
The movies just don’t seem as good any-more. Take the best picture, “The Departed.” (If you haven’t seen it, skip to the next paragraph immediately!) Jack Nicholson’s character is named Frank Costello. During the ’50s the real Frank Costello was the No. 1 mafioso of all time. But “The Departed” takes place now,so why use the name Frank Costello? And wouldn’t some character in the movie at least comment on the remarkable coincidence?
For a little Oscar irony, the director and screenwriter of “Babel,” a movie about the connection between disparate locations and characters, were accusing each other of hog-ging the spotlight. And “Blood Diamond,” about the horrors in African diamond mines, was up for best picture, and meanwhile, beautiful actresses on the red carpet were dripping with bling-bling as the announcers tell us how much their diamonds cost. When I heard a billion people watched the show, I wondered how many must hate us.
But all’s well that ends well. The big winner of the night might have been the planet. “An Inconvenient Truth” won two awards, and Al Gore “almost” announced for the presidency. (There’s no truth to the rumor that the Supreme Court has reversed the decision and given the Oscars to Bush.) As for me, after my friends read this, I have a feeling next year I’ll be watching the Oscars on my black and white portable. Unless I get a high tech transplant and watch on my new iPhone thanks to my BFF (best friend forever) Steven Jobs.
Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press print edition on March 2, 2007. Read the original PDF.