By MONEY T. LAROK Daily Mess Maker
SM PIER — One homeless man has been hospitalized and another ostracized by his fellow transients following a tragic pigeon hunting accident over the weekend. Dick Grimey has been missing from his usual post south of the Santa Monica Pier since accidentally firing on his friend, Dick “Two Teeth” Crittington.
Crittington is due to be released from St. SeanJohn’s Hospital on Monday after being treated for lacerations from glass shards to the face, chest, neck and rectum. Still, the former attorney now down-on-his-luck is eager to rejoin his tentmates beneath the pier.
According to police, who were curiously not informed of the accident until days later, the two longtime pigeon hunting friends were at their usual locale beneath the pier, knee-deep in stagnant runoff to elude detection from the pesky pigeons, when Crittington unexpectedly crossed the firing line, unbeknownst to Grimey.
Just then, Grimey spotted a chequered rock dove — the so-called “Holy Grail” of urban pigeon-hunt folklore — meander within feet of the firing line. Without hesitation, Grimey cocked his arm and let his broken Pabst Blue Ribbon bottle bottom fly.
From his hospital bed, Crittington acknowledged the shot would have been dead-on — decapitating the feral pigeon with its metallic lustre of a neck on full display — had it not been for his own mistake in crossing the agreed upon safety line. The Pabst remnant shattered upon impact on Crittington’s two teeth and shards went scurrying in search of a softer landing elsewhere on his exposed, encrusted flesh.
Grimey, who is still wanted for questioning by police, is believed to be in hiding, possibly undercover with a tattered Army jacket, natty facial hair and a stained duffel bag. Anyone with information is asked to call the WE- TIP police hotline.
Only days after the misfire, which Grimey dubs “one of the most melancholy days of my life,” the shooter made contact with the press, submitting a prepared statement to conservative Daily Press columnist Brett Legume — with whom he was sure he’d receive fair and balanced coverage — to offer his side of the events that transpired that fateful day.
“Honestly, my eyes were on the prize … I mean, who could blame me? A feral pigeon just jutting its neck out like nobody’s business,” explained Grimey, alluding to not seeing Crittington, who had eerily forgot to don his circa- 1977 L.L.Bean all-weather turrain, seersucker wrinkle-free vest that morning. “When I saw Dick fall flaccid on the sand, all bloodied up like that, I was in a panic. I even kicked over my MGD ‘forty’ in my haste to flee.
“Looking back, I probably should have checked to make sure Dick’s jugular wasn’t severed and splaying in the sand, but he’d have done the same.”
This week, a weary Crittington admitted he’d have done the same.
Meanwhile, the case has brought the topic of pigeon hunting and drinking back to the fore of public discourse, a debate as old as Santa Monica itself. In deference to the sport’s rich history on the Westside, City Council is expected to spend about 20 seconds discussing it on Tuesday. Most insiders predict officials will let stand current legislation protecting bottle-piece hunting, but propose restrictions on smoking cigarettes while in the act.
“This would never happen north of Montana,” said Ion Myhighorse.
After all that has happened, Crittington hasn’t lost his sense of whimsy.
“Maybe now they’ll call me ‘Glass Jaw Dick,’” he offered with that contagious, deep cavity smile of his. “I was never fond of ‘Two Teeth.’”
Even so, the rent on a studio apartment in Santa Monica is $1,500, even south of the 10. Street parking is not included.
Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press print edition on April 1, 2006. Read the original PDF.