By Ed Silverstein
Florida: 3 p.m. I am sitting in the bar at the Fort Lauderdale airport. Though I make it a rule never to drink during the day, flying these days requires copious consumption of alcohol (possibly in conjunction with high quantities of tranquilizers) in order to survive.
Look, I understand the need for security. But it seems like the more our government tries to protect us from terrorists, the more it makes you want to become one. The current security system seems to have been designed by eight monkeys doing something to a football. Add to this an airline industry that believes that “passenger” is synonymous with “cattle,” plus a healthy dose of corporate greed and the first word that comes to mind is … Greyhound.
Let’s start with checking in at the ticket counter. Here we encounter the first of the now ubiquitous waits. Figure 20 to 40 minutes. And if you’re a senior citizen with circulation problems or an enlarged prostate, you’re screwed. Seats are rare and bathrooms are rarer. And should you require assistance, you better try the unemployment line because with all the layoffs there’s less of a chance of finding an airline representative than the Clippers winning next year’s NBA title.
After completing the check-in phase (though only after discovering that the aisle seat we booked on-line has mysteriously turned into a middle seat, next to the engine, sandwiched between a cranky Hell’s Angel and the leader of a satanic cult that does not believe in bathing) you are ready to move on to the first of the various x-rays. This one, for your checked baggage, has been strategically placed 300 yards from the nearest ticket window. In fact, the only way they could have put it any further away would be to lose a runway.
Now you would assume that the air-lines would provide some means to transport your 12 bags to the x-ray machine. Say a cart for instance. What are you, crazy? That would cut into their lucrative contracts from the cart concessions. Thus, you are left with two options: A) hernia surgery, B) shell out $3 (which was the price yesterday, however, keep in mind that prices have been increasing at about 90 times the rate of inflation) for a 90-second cart rental. All this and the enjoyment of waiting in yet another line.
Now it’s time to go through security. This line makes a convict doing 40 years to life at Leavenworth look like a short-timer. We’re talking Disney on July 4th during a T-shirt give away. And that’s if things are normal. God forbid some new and terrifying threat has been created by the Bush Administration, that is, terrorists. Then we’re talking a really long line. I mean really, really long. Like the end of the line is in your destination city.
Our current threat du jour is that weapons may be hidden in electronic gear. Hence we must dig out all cameras, cell phones, transformers, cables, hearing aids, hair dryers, alarm clocks, personal massagers and just about everything else you might be carrying. These items are then placed in trays along with your shoes and computers. Wait … not all together. Almost every item needs its own separate tray. Otherwise some passengers might actually make their flights.
Now even someone who graduated from LA Unified would understand that these additional safety requirements could conceivably cause delays. And it only makes sense to beef up the number security personnel, right? Wrong. It seems our Homeland Security president has a little problem with the $450 billion (and climbing) budget deficit that he’s created. So rather than cut, say, corporate welfare, farm subsidies, no-bid contracts to his buddies at Halliburton, or even reduce the tax cuts, the president has decided that the very best way to save money (during 6.2 percent unemployment) was by cutting airline security screeners. Because, after all, anyone killed in a terrorist attack can’t really vote against the president, can they?
I was fortunate. True, only two of the three security lanes were in operation and the waiting time was half my life expectancy. But I had adhered to the government’s recommendation of arriving at the airport three days ahead of my flight. So I had nearly 20 minutes to kill before boarding.
Here’s a little known fact. If you reach security with five minutes or less before your flight, you will randomly be chosen to have the contents of your carry-on luggage inspected. This will of course take a minimum of six minutes.
Now anybody, even if they had a fraction of the sensitivity of the official executioner for the State of Texas, would realize that it would be prudent to carry out these inspections off to the side or behind a partition. But of course we’re talking about the Department of Transportation. They feel that it is their sworn duty to insure that your two weeks of dirty underwear, nasal hair trimmer, mustache bleach, adult diapers and/or feminine hygiene spray is displayed in front of at least 200 other passengers. Oh, and a little tip on how to avoid an attack by religious fanatics. Do not, under any circumstance, have Dixie Chicks CDs in your carry-on.
But you can’t say these security systems aren’t efficient. I once had my carry-on bag inspected at check-in, searched at security and again at the boarding gate. Even I was starting to wonder what I was hiding. But I didn’t feel so bad. The 90-year-old man behind me got pretty much the same treatment. But of course you can’t be too careful with those guys. You wouldn’t believe the crap they can hide in those colostomy bags.
Even if you should make it through the gauntlet of check-in, x-ray and security, the airlines still have one more trick up their sleeve. Early departure. Yup, the plane can leave before it’s supposed to. But don’t feel so bad. The alternative would have been to spend five hours with recent graduates from the De Sade School of Charm, more commonly known as flight attendants.
Then there’s first class, which is an oxymoron if ever there was one. True, you still get a larger seat. But as far as the cuisine goes, think prison. Now think of John Ashcroft doing the cooking. Well at least you get a choice of three items. Well, actually you don’t, unless you’re the first to give your order. And you can forget about getting to the gate faster. The DOT (who have undoubtedly shorted all the air-line stocks) have ordained that no passenger shall receive any sort of priority through security. I mean just think how horrible it would be if people who pay 30 times the price of an economy seat were given preferential treatment. The airlines might even become solvent.
With Americans avoiding airlines like the plague, or at least like a SARS epidemic, you would think the airlines would try to make air travel friendlier. Well, not exactly. Instead the airlines have concocted an assortment of schemes designed to bleed us dry. Case in point, itinerary changes. Once upon a time you could change your travel dates for free. Then it was $100, but you had a year to re-book your flight. Now it can be as much as $200 and if you don’t have the new travel dates at the time you cancel your original flight you forfeit your ticket. For $50 less you can have a session with a dominatrix and still receive only half the abuse. But what can you expect from an industry that was bailed out with billions of our tax dollars?
Now for the serious stuff. The DOT must come to grips with the fact that they are dealing with a business. They can’t create policy in a vacuum that ignores both the needs of the airlines and their customers. It is crucial that, while they maintain our safety, they do so by working closely with the airlines so that the industry remains viable. As for the air-lines, it is time to realize that air travel is a service industry. While it is true that most passengers may make their travel choices based on price, if the airlines punish them for doing so, their choice will be not to fly at all. (Ed Silverstein is a freelance writer living in Santa Monica. Comments and frequent flier miles can be e-mailed to:).
Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press print edition on August 13, 2003. Read the original PDF.