Whore to the chore lord
By BLAST BY SETH BARNES
I am an innocent victim. In this age of terror, we are all part of a global community where evil knows no borders, where upstanding citizens are snatched under cover of darkness and held at the mercy of their captors. At this very moment one such thug has invaded the sanctity of my home. I have been bound, gagged and made to perform unspeakable acts that violate every principle close to my heart.
My “To Do”list is staring me down. I have no choice but to comply with his vile wishes. I am his hostage.
This feeling, of course, is nearly universal. After all, Americans lead notoriously busy lives and notoriously love to complain about that very fact. But I suspect that nagging chores, the little tasks that suck up the balance of each day, have been bothersome since beginning of time. Man has been battling this scourge since he was able to walk upright.The invention of fire, the wheel and written language were revolutionary back in those days, but think of all the annoying chores the original Homo Sapiens had to knock back to even get started on the advancement of mankind.
All these millennia later, the obsessive compulsive organizer in me can’t see past those ancient “To Do”lists: Gather large sticks and armful of small twigs. Find two perfectly complimentary sticks that when rubbed together just so, will bring forth the miracle of fire. Find 12 perfectly shaped stones for the fire pit — anyone who’s been camping knows what a pain in the rear this can be. For the perfect wheel, scout out a recently fallen tree with a smooth surface and firm core, then whittle away at it with a blunt tool for two to three days. And I don’t even really want to get started on the arduous process of creating a coherent written language. Let’s just say it requires a lot more organization and plan-ning than heading down to Staples to buy a pen and pad of paper.
When you really think about all the mundane grunt work that our society has been built on,it’s amazing the human race is still plugging along. You’d think our ancestors would have given up from sheer boredom long ago.
In our modern world, the “To Do” list is much more personal and boring.For instance, as I look over my list for today, it doesn’t look like I’m tackling any of the world’s complex problems.Instead I’m going to settle for washing last night’s dishes, picking up a sack of dog food and trying to ascertain why the motion-activated light on my porch isn’t working. If all goes well, as I settle down on my couch after a long day of nicking tasks off my list, I may clip my nails — hands and feet.
Part of my problem may be an inability to leave anything off my “To Do”list.Admittedly, most people just go ahead and “do” some of the stuff that I “schedule.” For instance, it probably would be a lot easier if I just filled the ice cube trays when they were empty as opposed to assigning myself this action in my daily planner. Most people would probably just go ahead and set the table before dinner. My thinking on the matter is “what if I forget?” So inevitably “set table for dinner” is entered in my personal project management system as if I had to set aside time to write a software program to successfully lay out the silverware and place mats. Of course, the ultimate humiliation on this matter is that after 27 years on this planet, and thousands of dollars in tuition bills, I’m not entirely confident about proper layout for a table setting.One little macabre trick I taught myself is that the knife goes on the right hand side where it’s easily accessible — for a right-handed person — in case you’re suddenly pulled into a switch-blade fight as you’re eating.
I suppose the more important you are, the more exciting your “To Do” list is. A cancer researcher spends his or her day tackling a vicious disease that randomly afflicts millions. The Pope spends his day as a conduit to God for millions of followers. A CIA officer spends his or her day doodling aimlessly in a notebook, and then our government spends millions of dollars putting those doodles into action.
While our government spends its time and resources on big picture problems such as terrorism and poverty, my nagging “To Do”list is ever expanding. Is it too much to ask for a little assistance? Can’t we find a place in the massive federal budget to alleviate some of the thousands of chores that bog down average Americans each day? Perhaps we could replace the Department of Homeland security with the Department of Little Helpers. These brave men and women would fan out across the country to assist citizens with the frustrating responsibilities of everyday life.
Sure, I’m as frightened as the next guy of a massive terrorist attack. And if I hit a rough stretch, it would be nice to pick a slab of food stamps and receive a monthly check in the mail while I chill out on my couch. But what about the growing pile of laundry in my bedroom? Who’s going to do something about that? (Seth Barnes)
Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press print edition on July 20, 2006. Read the original PDF.