SO YOU WANT “THEM” OUT BUT WHO will take care of the yard? You sneer at them on street corners hawking for day labor on your way to IKEA,but then pick four of them up on the way back to help you load your 10,000 pounds of bedroom swag into the house. Why can’t they learn English,for crissakes,so I don’t have to fumble through a Spanish dictionary to explain how to clean the toilet? And who’s gonna pick up the kids from soccer practice while I go to my Tantra Pilates class?
There has been some stupid notion out there among some alleged Americans that “they” don’t belong, they broke the law, they are shredding our social services, overburdening our schools, sleeping with our daughters, short sheeting the bed, adding too much cheese and guacamole and they can’t drive!
OK, you’re right. Feel better? Go watch Dr. Phil for two hours and then go lie down on the bed that Consuelo just made.
The fact remains, folks, that we have 12-15 million illegal aliens in this country sieving through a border as porous as a Minuteman’s brainpan. And don’t think that only Republicans are hawkish on this subject. I have spoken to a fair number of folks here in Democratopia Santa Monica who are closet Illegal Alien (IA) haters. You want them to come and do your laundry in Santa Monica but you want them to go back to the east side of the 110 Freeway where they belong. You know who you are. You may now go to the back of the Credibility Bus, please. One of the proposed solutions is to deport them. We tried … 3,600-plus IA’s got the toe in the keister last year alone. At that rate it will take us 4,166 years to get rid of them all on the high end. Go Homeland Security. That “they” came back across the border 20 minutes after they had lunch in Tijuana that afternoon is just another example of human need over governmental crisis management.
And it is a crisis. In another way of looking at this, ponder that if the People’s Republic of China had landed 12 million screaming Chinamen to take over all the Panda Express Restaurants, that would be considered an invasion. But there are two solutions to this “Mexican Problem”, er, I mean, illegal immigration problem to stem this catastrophe and threat to our cultural myopia.
Solution one: Declare martial law (it’s an invasion ergo a threat to national security). Suspend habeas corpus and posse comitatus as we don’t need those pesky courts to get in the way and we’ll need the armed forces to start rounding up all those invaders hanging out at Home Depot. For transportation, we will commandeer 85 percent of every US bus companies’fleet to take them to the detention centers. IA’s are the only ones that ride the bus anyway so they won’t be missed. For detention centers, since we lack the logistics and infrastructure to house a population that is 1.5 to 2 times larger than the Big Apple, we will cancel all NFL and MLB seasons to commandeer the stadiums as processing centers.We will emplace gender segregated tent cities complete with food, appropriate clothing and lots of soccer balls. “Real” Americans won’t mind foregoing a score of seasons watching over paid, steroid fueled man flesh parading around in tight pants playing ball.Beer sales in this country will go the way of ENRON so dump your Budweiser stock now. To prevent escape attempts all stadiums will be mined with bunker busters and manned with sniper teams. Consuelo and her three kids might be strapped with suicide burritos. The gas is terrible.
Our founding fathers would be appalled. We don’t do this to people who come into the country illegally. We only create reservations for the people who were already here in the first place! Maybe the IA’s can start their own casinos to help pay for their incarceration to relieve real American taxpayers. Can you say, “Amerika uber alles?”
Solution two: Provide a path to citizenship with appropriate criteria as was outlined in John McCain’s recent legislative efforts and a current plank in his presidential agenda. Ronald Reagan did well in 1986 when he provided amnesty to set the stage for a compassionate response for people in the shadows. When I see an able bodied, American born white man pan handling and two blocks away an illegal alien hanging out by Bourget Bros. scrounging for day labor, I then ask myself, “Who really deserves to be called an American”?
STEVE BREEN is a self-described Reagan Republican and “the best looking mailman in Santa Monica.” He
Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press print edition on February 6, 2008. Read the original PDF.