By Steve “the Mailman” Breen Going Postal
BARRY OBAMA IS SO SMART. HE’S RIGHT again.I am so victimized by the travails of every day life that I’m heading over to Bazooka Pete’s Armory to buy some guns to “cling to.” While I’m at it I’m stopping at a church and pray to God or Cthulhu or George Clooney so I won’t be so “bitter” about all these immigrants providing lawn care and nanny service on the cheap. Isn’t there a 12 Step meeting for these “addictions?”
I must apologize to his Barry-ness that my obverse Cinderella existence as an uncivil servant for the U.S. government is such an object of his disdain ever since he singled me out (and a lot of other “fly-over” Americans) as a hopelessly inchoate dullard while he was brown nosing with the dainty fingered intelligentsia at Gordon Getty’s Pacific Heights mansion. Nothing squeals “typical white working class” like a latte liberal cocktail party at the Getty’s,ya know? Consuelo, please get Sen. Goody-Two- Shoes another frozen choco-mint-soy daiquiri.
So let me get this straight. Barry has since declared that “everybody knows it’s true”in his postmortem clarification about the embittered static clinginess of the mob and that only he has the answers to our fetid social malaise. Personally, when I hear a politician speaking in absolutes-derivative taxonomy, I generally think he’s full of crap.
In Barry’s mind, however, only really rich, smart people vote for him; unfortunately for him, he needs the rest of us in order to win in November.
That the Candidate of Change had divined the “truth” about America’s rubes and cubes from his personal chapbook, The Necrobamanomicon, merely demonstrates that Barry is little more than a preening nouveau riche poseur feigning rapport with the guy in valet parking. Or did the Audacious One augur his critique of the plebes while snacking down on the Whole Foods tofu cocktail weenies being served among the patricians at the Getty toga party? Care for a doggie bag, senator?
Currently, his Barackolytes are Obama-lep-tic that the media is now treating Barry like any other politically motivated Capitol Hill streetwalker. The millionaire Fresh Prince of Pretentious Populism is finally being scrutinized and queried about his inconvenient relationships with unrepentant bomb throwing hippies, Hamas apologists and Christian racist homophobes yet this is casually dismissed by the Obamessiah as just “political silly season” which is creepily echoed in cultish unison by his minions. This tacitly confirmed Michelle Obama’s whine and cheese moment at the self-service buffet that AmeriKKKa is “just downright mean” Yet this is more sardonically indicative of the Wizard’s baleful exhortation to middle class Dorothy Gale in the denouement of The Wizard of Oz, “Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain!”
OK, let’s not pay attention to Barry’s reverence for his grandmother, a “typical white person,” that Barry threw under the pastoral wheels of the Wrighteous Blues Bus just for political style points. According to the Chicago Tribune, Barry’s Uncle Jerry has retired to a cozy $1.6 million, 10,340 square ft mansion located on the grounds of the typically white Odyssey Country Club in typically white Tinley Park. While Barry’s mentor typically detests typical white AmeriKKKa, he does prefer the “middle class” neighborhoods, however. There’s no golf courses in the ghetto,you know.
Sure, let’s not peek behind the curtain at another typical white person: Mayhill Fowler. She’s the Obamaphilic Huffington Post reporter who broke the story about Barry’s “bitter”lamentations in San Francisco who has reportedly received over two dozen death threats and fatwa issued from Obamamaniacs since press time. Is the Party of Tolerance cravenly cannibalizing its own over inconvenient truths?
Finally, let’s ignore that, according to Citizens Against Government Waste, freshman Sen. Snobama has diverted $94.7 million in earmarks for pork projects in his home state. Not bad for his rookie season. Why should Barry take money from lobbyists when he can get it for free from middle class taxpayers? More lemon chiffon cake, senator?
So let’s engage a friendly Faustian wager. I challenge anybody with any Barackbone that, on the Tuesday following the outcome of the general election,the agreed parties (you and me) skip over to Rudy’s Barber Shop on Main Street and, with a staff photographer from the SMDP recording the event for future publication, the losing party gets their head shaved. However, if you’re already bald, you get the “Brazilian wax job”instead.
My call: McCain wins in November.Obama will be electoral street pizza.Smart-alecky liberal pundits are long on “talk”and short on “do.” Is there a Cheerleader of Change in Democratopia willing to put their hairline where their jaw line meets?
I’m serious, in a very Mephistophelian sort of way. Just sign here.
Steve Breen is Dick Cheney’s satanic evil twin and the “best looking mailman at the Post Office.” He
Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press print edition on April 30, 2008. Read the original PDF.