IN CASE YOU WERE OUT OF THE COUNTRY for the past two weeks, the Boston Celtics won the NBA Championship beating the Lakers in the final game by 39 points. Trust me, it wasn’t that close.
I miss the Lakers because their games got me through boring workouts at the gym. Some people love working out. Day after day on the treadmill only makes me identify with a hamster. I come up with all sorts of excuses to avoid going. Lightning could strike on the way to the gym? (Well, it could.) Much like writing these columns, the only time I’m happy is after I’m done.
I’m not the only one in the gym with “distractions.” People show up with magazines, CD players, Blackberrys and iPods. Maria brings a portable DVD player and watches episodes of “I Love Lucy.” I saw Lou (not his real name), a cigar smoking tenant, actually eat chips while on the treadmill. As he perspired the gym smelled like a cigar. (Works for smoked salmon, why not humans?) What really irks me are people on their cellphones. Once, a woman on the treadmill next to me gave her girlfriend (and anyone within earshot of her cellphone) a blow-by-blow account of a Nordstrom’s shoe sale.It felt like working out next to Imelda Marcos.
The Lakers were so exciting this year it made the 30 minutes almost fly by. (Instead of checking the timer and thinking,“Is that all?”) I used to only do 20 minutes until Alice showed me a fitness article that said if you don’t do 30 minutes it’s not worth doing. (Reading that article wasn’t worth doing!) During a workout over the weekend I tried watching the Dodgers but almost fell asleep on the Stairmaster. I’d call the Dodgers just a.500 team but they’re not that good. My life would be so much easier if I rooted for the Angels.The Dodgers are a bad team in an even worse division, so there’s always hope. (My friend Cary says thinking like that is proof I need de-programming.) I even watched the U.S. Open golf tournament during my workouts. And I don’t like golf. I agree with the late George Carlin (R.I.P.) who said all golf courses should be turned over to the homeless. Actually it wasn’t golf, it was Tiger.With him out for the year it’s adios golf.
So I decided to check out women’s professional basketball. The big story of the WNBA last week was that gorgeous Candace Parker, a rookie with the L.A. Sparks, dunked! Spud Webb was 5’7” and won the NBA dunk contest! Unfortunately the WNBA doesn’t pass my crucial “does the game hold my interest or do I keep checking the timer?” Sometimes I get so bored I have to cover the timer with a towel.
Arena Football is fairly exciting but then why not, every play is a touchdown. The problem is there’s hardly any TV coverage. It about the same as bowling. (A sport Lou should take up because you can eat and play at the same time.) The Arena Super Bowl is on ABC July 27 but I’ll have turned to flab by then. Someone suggested AVP. (Pro beach volleyball.) It was depressing. The guys are young, tanned and unbelievably fit. (Everything I’m not.) For some reason, however, this didn’t bother me with the women’s tour.
I even tried lacrosse. Few knew about the sport until a stripper filed rape charges against basically the entire Duke lacrosse team. This past Saturday the L.A. Riptide lacrosse team lost to the Long Island Lizards, 19-18. Two problems: One, it’s rarely on TV. Two, it’s tough to get excited about a team that loses to Lizards.
This leaves hockey, soccer and NASCAR. On TV I can’t follow the hockey puck. (I’ve never actually seen it go into the net.) Soccer is the most popular sport in the world but you could watch for days and no one would ever score. And NASCAR is one giant left-hand turn.
My friend Alice showed me another article. Apparently for every 30 minutes workout, you add 30 minutes to your life.I did the math and wasn’t thrilled. I’ve been exercising six days a week for 30 years. I’ve added a grand total of four months. And those will be at the end of my life.
I’d give up my workouts entirely but I’m of the opinion there are three kinds of guilt. Catholic, Jewish and Not Exercising. (Maybe I’ll borrow Maria’s “I Love Lucy?” It keeps her laughing.) I must admit I always feel better after my workout. The same as I do after I finish one of these columns. There, I’m done. And I didn’t look at the timer once.
Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press print edition on June 27, 2008. Read the original PDF.