By SACKASOMETHING Daily Planet Slave
Apparently a $57 million lawsuit settlement between the homeless population and City Hall last year has tipped the economic scales in a toxic way.
When 2,000 homeless people received their $28,500 checks last April 1, they immediately blew it on feel-good luxuries to celebrate. The windfall fell onto local liquor store owners, who upon learning of the down-and-out’s new fortunes, immediately jacked up their prices on Steel Reserve and Boon’s.
“Our sales were steady, usually at the beginning of the month when the government doled out the checks, but we never imagined a city pay-out would make us this rich,” said Moonshine Liquor Store owner Getting Udrunk. “But beyond the money, I’m just glad we could contribute to the city’s philosophy of keeping Santa Monica ‘a happy place for happy people.’”
City Hall decided to settle with every homeless man, woman and child, after they sued over the comfort of public parks. As part of the settlement, each transient got a new portable cot and new laws were passed to forbid jogging, picnicking and other non-homeless park activities before 10 a.m. and after 6 p.m.
Despite that he wasn’t in office yet, last year’s settlement has been credited to City Councilman Bobby Coniver.
When asked whether they regretted blowing all of their cash, most transients agreed that it was all worth it.
“It’s been a great year,” said Kyle Coinshaker. “I mean, I don’t really remember much of it but people tell me I was much happier.”
Once decked out in gold chains and rings, and sporting Luis Vuitton luggage, Coinshaker said he had to trade it for booze with liquor store owners because the money ran out.
“Life always seems to come full circle,” he reflected. “But I’m banking on another lawsuit, because as the civil liberties lawyers have advised us, City Hall is known to crumble when it comes to our rights, which are trampled on day in and day out.”
Despite that comment, everything appears to be fine in Santa Monica.
“I don’t have any information about that but I can tell you that everything is peachy in this city by the sea,” said City Hall public information officer Trudy Ramblinon.
Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press print edition on April 1, 2005. Read the original PDF.