By NICHOLAS TEPPER Special to the Daily Planet
The Mayor of Santa Monica had his left breast exposed in council chambers Wednesday while giving a stirring oratory in support of a proposed ban against all Republicans on local beaches and most areas of the pier.
The “wardrobe malfunction” did not just expose the mayor’s teat, however. In a stunning revelation, the ripping of the mayor’s shirt also exposed a tattoo below his nipple which reads: “Re-elect Nixon in ‘72.”
At the moment of the exposure, Mayor Dickey Boom was speaking to a packed chamber audience: “Santa Monica should be Republican-free, deserves to be Republican-free and it will be Republican-free from this day forward.” Just at that moment, City Councilman Zen Lenser reached around Boom and ripped his shirt open.
“I was trying to get that pen he keeps in his pocket,” Lenser said. “I was doing my taxes and my pen ran out. I reached for the mayor’s pen and the shirt just ripped open. I guess that tattoo explains why he never takes off his shirt at the council’s weekly pool parties or our lunch and massage sessions at the Aquaspa. We all just thought he had a third nipple or something. We never knew he had a Republican skeleton in his closet.”
The ripping of the mayor’s shirt and the resulting shock-waves that rocked the audience made Boom change the tone of his speech on the spot. After borrowing a tube-top from a member of his staff to cover himself, the mayor finished his speech to a silent audience.
“Yeah, that’s right, I used to be a Republican,” he told the hushed throng. “Now that everyone knows my dirty little secret, perhaps we can all start treating each other as human beings and not just as members of one party or another. I am going to change my mind about this ordinance to ban all Republicans from our beaches and pier and hope all of you do the same.”
Meanwhile, shots rang out in the Pico neighborhood.
After the mayor’s speech, the floor was open for public comment.
“I saw your breast and I saw your tattoo, Mr. Mayor, and I do not support either,” said 81-year-old Santa Monica resident Phyllis Shmegegel. “I came here tonight to support this ban. But after seeing your chest I have had a change of heart. The mayor’s breast has taught me to be more tolerant and for that I am eternally grateful to it. God bless your breast Mr. Mayor. God bless your hairy male breast.”
“I am a 36-D, all natural, your honor,” said 29-year-old Santa Monica resident Ester Puffengrass. “I too thought it was best to ban the Republicans from Santa Monica. But after seeing what I’ve seen I’ve changed my mind. Let the Republicans come. It can’t be any worse than what we’ve seen tonight. It just cannot be.”
After three more hours of similar sentiment from the public, the measure to ban all Republicans from Santa Monica’s beaches and pier was put to a vote and unanimously defeated. After the vote many in attendance spontaneously took off their shirts in a gesture of support for the mayor.
Boom refused to confirm or deny the rumor that he also had a tattoo of former presidents Reagan, Ford, Bush and Hoover in a Mount Rushmore setting on his right buttock.
“Those men were patriots,” he said. “How I choose to honor them, if at all, is my own business.”
After the vote and just before the meeting was adjourned the council took two minutes to debate and then pass an ordinance forbidding the entry into Santa Monica of all Republicans who smoke.
“I fully support this ban,” Boom said after the meeting. “I may or may not have a cigar tattooed on my person, but until such time as that tattoo is exposed, I will continue to vehemently oppose the inclusion of all Republican smokers in Santa Monica. It simply sets too bad an example
Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press print edition on April 1, 2004. Read the original PDF.