By GUEST COMMENTARY BY LINDA MILO
Parents start to teach their children manners from the moment they are born. You are your child’s very first teacher and when your child is watching and listening to you daily, she is instinctively learning to imitate your ways of kindness. Your child will naturally know when to crawl, walk and talk, but learning manners will take an effort on your part with patience, a good parent-child connection and understanding.
Manners are displayed in many situations: at work, at school, on the playground, with family, friends and even with strangers. It’s a real virtue for our lives. Setting a good example for your child is the key to teaching good manners and to instilling a good character whom other people want to be around. I’m not saying that your child will one day say the word “please” or “thank you” all by themselves, but if she’s hearing you regularly use those words, it will become contagious and she will instinctively know when and where to use those words.
Manners teach your child how to be kind and concerned for others and their feelings. Manners are a way of treating people with respect and attention. It made me so proud when I saw one of my children take the arm of an older woman as he helped walk her across the street. Or when my friend’s son stood up and gave his seat on the bus to a pregnant woman. Those are active examples of respect, attention and manners offered to another person. It’s a way of interacting with the outside world with consideration.
I’ve found that there are ways to teach manners and ways not to. For instance, the very best time to teach socially-acceptable behavior is at home; the worst time is outside your home. Also, some parents stress manners too much, which often leaves their child feeling criticized and discouraged. Take your time teaching everyday manners, using a casual attitude without nagging. Nagging is negative and brings negative results.
Manners are a very positive aspect of humanity and should be encouraged with a sense of positive patience. If someone walks in front of you while you are waiting on the grocery line, or someone cuts you off in traffic, don’t react with anger and insensitivity to the other’s bad manners in front of your child. Stay in control of your anger. Remember you are the example.
It’s important for your child to feel self-confident around strangers, especially around guests who come visit your home. Before guests come over tell your child who will be arriving and when they arrive, introduce them to your child. This isn’t the time to display your child’s array of manners, rather it’s the time to allow your child to be brought into the conversation, to feel a behavioral comfort, and letting your child participate as much as possible.
Having manners gives your child a social standing that will serve her throughout her lifetime. It brings your child a sense of self-reliance and a value of self-worth. Back in my New York days, my mother taught my sister and me manners, diversity, different cultures, and the acceptance of both. She took us to foreign movies, encouraged us to learn foreign languages and welcomed conversations about different religions. All of that facilitated a smooth transition socially when I moved and lived in Japan for 11 very happy years. Being exposed to different social contacts brings good manners to the forefront.
Know that your child could truly surprise you. I remember taking my son and daughter “trick or treating” every year on Halloween. At each door we knocked on, as the person opened the door, I would bend down and whisper in my children’s ears, “remember to say thank you.” My daughter would politely say “thank you,” while my son grabbed the candy, stuffed his bag and started running to the next house. Every year it was the same story, until one year as we reached the door and candy was handed out, my son stood tall and said loudly, “thank you.” I truly believe my heart stopped. I looked up to the sky, mouthed a quick “thank you” and sighed. I was glowing. A small story in the great scheme of life, but one that made me realize that teaching manners is something we don’t do just once, it’s something we do over and over again until we believe that our children have got it right. (Linda Milo is “The Parent-Child Connection Coach." For more information, visit: http://www.empoweringparentsnow.com.)
Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press print edition on May 16, 2006. Read the original PDF.