By TAYLOR VAN ARSDALE is a writer/producer and movie reviewer for the Daily Press. She
IT WAS HELL, BOY. HELL TRYING TO SIT through Guillermo del Toro’s latest summer flick, “Hellboy II: The Golden Army,” in its entirety without drifting off into slumber land. If you remain alert here’s what you’ll see...
A brief animated prologue (which takes place eons ago, in the mythical realm of elves and humans) depicts the creation of the “Golden Army” and their unbridled appetite for destruction and evil. Considering this point, the ultimate third act battle between these forces is dreadfully anti-climactic.
The film then jumps forward to present day where we learn Hellboy aka Big Red (Ron Pearlman) and Liz (Selma Blair) have been living together — she’s frustrated by his lack of cleanliness, “The house is a mess, Honey”, which leads to lovers’ discord, i.e., Liz turning on her fire power; charring everything in her path and Hellboy swearing to change. Hellboy struggles with his own problems — he’s tired of “hiding out” deep within the confines of the Bureau for Paranormal Research and Defense. I can’t fault him here — who would want to live in a dingy basement? But solving their cohabitation issues has to wait as the team — which also includes fishy-squid guy Abe Sapien (Doug Jones) — is called to investigate a “situation” at a Manhattan auction house.
It turns out, Elven Prince Nauda (Luke Goss) has broken the age-old, human-elf truce and is on the hunt for three key pieces of a magical crown that will enable him to rule the Golden Army and thus destroy mankind. How many times have we seen a film about an evil guy looking for ancient artifacts that once put together will give him dominion over the world? The answer: way too many times.
Let’s be blunt, Del Toro is great at assembling these mythic legends, crafting unusual characters and locales, such as his “subterranean troll market,” but he fails miserably with this heavy-handed plot. “Hellboy” the original was a scary ride where one was never certain if Big Red would redeem himself and save mankind or join up with a legion of dark forces. This film has all the elements of a scary and thrilling summer blockbuster but it never comes together. In the last act, during a brief stint with a multi-eyed Irish Death Witch we learn that Liz’s decision to save Hellboy portends great misfortune and that she will, “regret her choice.” I’m paraphrasing here folks, but you’re expecting the worst and … nothing happens. It’s like watching two hours of a “Grey’s Anatomy” marathon … well, maybe not quite that bad.
The performances however are more than adequate — Pearlman delivers witty banter on cue with all manner of creatures encountered — providing at least some comic relief. But the film’s action is so stilted that these brief moments of levity feel misplaced. Nor is there nearly enough screen time for Selma Blair, whose acting talents are underutilized. Most of the film she struts and pouts, without ever having to do much more. Doug Jones gives a touching portrayal of the Fish-Guy-In-Love, but not even his tender performance can fix this tired plot. The shining star of the film is Goss who absolutely sizzles as the wicked immortal of the Elven underworld. And the special effects are brilliant; largely due to the boys from London-based Solution Studios, who produced some of the animatronic characters such as the Tooth Fairies, the Elemental and the Council of Elves.
Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press print edition on July 12, 2008. Read the original PDF.