Diary of a movie-going nightmare: 7:30 p.m. “Are We There Yet?” screening begins. 7:32 p.m. Two siblings, 7-year-old Kevin (Philip Daniel Bolden) and 11-year-old Lindsey (Aleisha Allen), who miss their real daddy, assault one of mom Suzanne’s (Nia Long) suitors before he makes it to the door. Guy leaves, kids high-five, Suzanne apparently forgets she even had a date. 7:34 p.m. Sports memorabilia store owner and avowed playa Nick (Ice Cube) purchases macked-out Lincoln Navigator in order to impress the ladies. He places a talking Satchel Paige bobblehead (voiced by Tracy Morgan) on dashboard. Nick better hope the ladies are either very understanding or mental patients. 7:40 p.m. Nick spies Suzanne on street, instantly falls in love. 7:44 p.m. Little Kevin makes a fart joke, the first of oodles of bodily function gags. 7:50 p.m. Starting to become clear why a movie that takes place at Christmas didn’t get a Christmas release. 8:05 p.m. Suzanne must go to Vancouver to host a holiday gala, and in an effort to win her over Nick offers to escort the kids 350 miles so they can all be together to ring in the new year. Having known him an entire week, Suzanne agrees. Kevin shows his appreciation by kicking Nick in the nuts. 8:15 p.m. Satchel Paige bobblehead makes fart joke. Are we there yet? The end of the movie, that is. Sadly, no. Not by a long shot. 8:17 p.m. Nick warns kids not to damage his precious Navigator. Could it be something’s going to happen to it? Hmm … 8:20 p.m. After Nick reminds them that there’s no eating or drinking in his new ride, Kevin “accidentally” sprays juice all over the upholstery. Didn’t see that one coming. 8:25 p.m. At a truck stop, Kevin pees on a woman in the ladies room. Lindsey commandeers the vehicle and nearly drives into a gas pump. 8:30 p.m. Kids convince a trucker they’re being kidnapped. Trucker runs Nick’s SUV off the highway, sending them hurtling down a steep embankment. Child abduction. Fiery car wrecks. Hardy-har-har! 8:31-44 p.m. Demonic children relentlessly try to murder Nick. 8:45 p.m. They stop off at a random children’s holiday party. Lindsey wows everyone with a chirpy karaoke rendering of “Respect,” marking the 3,147th time that song’s been rehashed in a film. 8:46 p.m. Kids resume attempts to off their inexplicably devoted guardian. 9:02 p.m. Don’t want to spoil the ending, so let’s just say that Cube never does put the smackdown on them devil kids. (Rated PG for language and rude humor. Running time: 96 minutes)
Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press print edition on January 21, 2005. Read the original PDF.