By BLAST BY SETH BARNES
The modern world is indebted to the visionary willpower of inventors. It’s hard to imagine living without the industrial, medical and technological advancements that have made our everyday lives increasingly convenient and enjoyable. And some inventions have literally extended the life expectancies for millions across the globe.
That’s why it pains me to say the following about the highest-profile invention of the last decade: I hate the Segway Human Transporter and we need to eradicate it from the face of the earth. Now.
Did our founding fathers dedicate themselves to the emancipation of the human spirit so that a few centuries later, lazy geeks and geekettes could buzz around without so much as lifting a foot? Did hallowed war veterans of yore slog through two world wars so their progeny wouldn’t have to slog down the sidewalk under their own power? After five years of the Segway, I think it’s about time that we pack the whole idea up and send it back to space camp.
While the Segway was unveiled to much hoopla as a “change agent” that would alter the course of human transportation, it’s clear that it is a commercial dud. As anybody who lives in Santa Monica knows, tourists — suffering from brain cramps brought about by jet lag and sun poisoning — are seemingly the only people willing to climb aboard these $5,000 moron chariots. Oh, the company has grand plans to outfit law enforcement agencies and couriers with their scooters, to which I say “show me a cop on a Segway and I’ll show you Officer Laughingstock.” Let’s just say it isn’t the best way to channel Dirty Harry.
Then there’s the argument that the Segway could alleviate congestion and gas usage in car-dependent metro areas like Los Angeles. Nice idea. But I’m going to hold off on venturing onto the 405 until they make a Segway with an air raid siren for a horn, a shotgun holster, and front and rear-end battering rams.
Dean Kamen, inventor of the Segway and a minor celebrity, is a brilliant man who has done more for mankind than I ever will. He’s invented sophisticated medical devices and wheelchairs that have helped countless people. He even lives and works in my home-town of Bedford, N.H. But that doesn’t mean the Segway isn’t a stinker.
I submit that walking is a fundamental component of the human experience. Our lives already are so overrun by technological shortcuts that we easily forget how privileged we are. We’re so entrenched in our comfort zone that we routinely look past the simple miracles of life. I’m not advocating that we revert to the Dark Ages, but if we’re not careful we’ll all wake up some day to find ourselves being fed by a robotic arm while relaxing on a levitation device in front of a 60-inch plasma television. Of course, that sounds kind of nice. But last time I checked the United States had a serious obesity problem. It’s gotten so bad that half our citizens can only be photographed or filmed from the neck down lest anyone positively identify their gut with their face. In such a climate, I hardly think an Electric Personal Assistive Mobility Device (EPAMD) is part of the special sauce to bring us back to health. I happen to advocate the YDSJWTTPO solution — that is, “You Degenerate Sloth, Just Walk To The Post Office”.
Kamen’s Wikipedia entry — see, I’m lazy too — tells us that his DEKA Research & Development Corporation employs about 200 engineers, technicians and machinists. The man has a lot of brainpower at his fingertips and clearly has some big ideas running around in his head. Maybe this entire clan should drop production of the Segway and move on to something that actually will benefit mankind. Leave walking alone. The Creator clearly intended for us to use our arms and legs. If he didn’t, we would have spent the last million years slithering around on our bellies scarfing down whatever we could get our jaws around.
Actually, there are plenty of people in this country who shove anything they come upon down their throats. But good luck inventing something to stop that. (Seth Barnes)
Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press print edition on August 17, 2006. Read the original PDF.