By Daily Planet slaves
The Santa Monica Daily Planet was recently honored for its environmental practices, specifically for using paper from the Sequoia National Forest.
More than 100,000 people showed up to City Hall’s Environmental Quality Awards Extravaganza last week to learn exactly what it takes for a business to rape the planet and be recognized for it.
“We have never bought into this sustaintability thing and recycling is a waste of time and money,” said SMDP publisher Boss Furrycow. “I’m so honored but even more importantly, I am so proud of this city for its cutting edge philosophies on using gross amounts of resources — it’s the right thing to do, in terms of being business friendly.”
Hoping to enlarge its environmental footprint, the city of Santa Monica is encouraging all businesses to employ measures that will produce the most waste and use the most resources.
Despite that such practices may be harmful to the quality of life here, city officials maintain that everything is fine.
“I don’t have any information about that but I can tell you that everything is peachy in this city by the sea,” said City Hall’s public information officer Trudy Ramblinon.
Once the redwoods are cut down and the Daily Planet continues to expand, it will venture out into the Rainforest and the backwoods of Kentucky. When the Daily Planet gets really desperate, it will use the branches from the city’s hedges — a suggestion made by City Councilman Bobby Coniver, whose idea it was.
Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press print edition on April 1, 2005. Read the original PDF.