By IN LA BY HEIDI MANTEUFFEL
There are two things I detest in this world — televangelists and chain forwards.
They both start by telling me I’m a terrible person. Great, I already hear that from cyclists who’ve become creative with gestures when they’re left without a horn.
Once that’s established, they move on to the guilt trip stage. “If you really cared about my ministry, or Adelie penguins, you would send me $100 to my personal bank account to help me buy a Mercedes... I mean fish to restock in their natural habitat.”
Sometimes they even soften the blow with a promise that your dreams will come true by sending $10 or forwarding the e-mail to 10 recipients.
I got such a forward just this week. “Help donate money to breast cancer by going to the breast cancer Web site and clicking on their link 10 times.”
Um, wouldn’t that mean the site is using its own money to donate to the cause? People, if you’re gonna make a scam, at least get the logic worked out first.
Yes, I completely despise forwards, until I come across something that I just have to send. Then my sneering cynicism is taken over by the caps lock and exclamation point on my keyboard. My hands uncontrollably type the phrase: YOU MUST READ THIS!!! IT’S REALLY FUNNY!!!
I add some arbitrary condition that plays on their superstitious nature or insecurities to make sure they send it along. “Send this e-mail to six friends, if you really are my friend, and receive a pony. A pink pony. And a Maserati. And the Taj Mahal.”
Now I got their attention. Then I add, “If you don’t forward this in five minutes, you will be ambushed by a group of highly-trained ninjas in the parking lot of your favorite fast food chain.”
I want to make sure they send it along so that the whole world can savor my highly elevated taste via the Internet.
Because who doesn’t want to see the picture of the puppy spy? http://funnyjunk.com/funny_pic-tures/958/The+Puppy+Spy Or the kitty sniper? http://funnyjunk.com/p/sniper-jpg.html Or fluffy, the destroyer of worlds? http://funnyjunk.com/p/killer_dog-jpg.html And once I get them to forward it, I can keep track of all their e-mails and their friend’s e-mails whenever they click on one my innocent looking links. Because what bad can come from looking at “never lend your car to a woman?” http://fun-nyjunk.com/funny_pictures/977/Never+le nd+your+car+to+a+woman A whole heck of a lot. Instead of a dent in your bumper, you get a huge dent in the running speed of your computer, or second pair of eyes looking at every e-mail your pour over.
Now those love letters sent in secret to the SpongeBob fan site don’t sound like such a good idea, do they?
But that doesn’t stop me from despising chain forwards. Who do they think they are, telling me what to do? It’s my job to send feeling of guilt and random number threats (23 skidoo!) via free e-mail platforms. And if they don’t watch their back, a photo of a tired kitten could be waiting for them in their in box.
Muhuhahahah! Funny junk.com has cute pictures, and was just used for making a point purposes. As far as I know, they don’t do anything shady when you visit your site. (Heidi)
Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press print edition on March 14, 2006. Read the original PDF.