By Daily Planet slaves
The drilling platform, which has been secretly built over the past year, in a so-called “black ops” operation, was expected to be fully operational by next month. But an unrelated tanker carrying oil accidently ran a ground last night, spoiling the investments and profits of a few rich men.
Santa Monica City Council voted unanimously in a secret meeting a year ago to let the Texans proceed with the massive construction and drilling project.
“It might not look so pretty, but it’s gonna bring us a helluva lot of money,” said Mayor Rob Righteous. “And that’s the most important thing... we can’t survive off of parking tickets alone.”
Halle Burton, the Texas-based oil conglomerate, will erect a 1,400-foot structure every half mile only two miles offshore, similar to oil rigs that can be seen off the coast of Santa Barbara, though those structures are 10 miles off shore.
Councilmembers said they had no choice but to Ok the oil-drilling because of severe recent budget cuts.
“The only way for our city to survive was oil revenue,” said Councilmember Spam O’Goner. “Besides, the lease is only for 20 years. Then we can simply tear them down.”
Public opposition to the project was scant, with most residents preferring to concentrate on “buffing their Hummers” rather the ugly business of city government and environmental ruin.
According to planning statues, the rigs must resemble either 20th century Craftsman or Spanish Modern architecture.
“We feel that the architects can incorporate all of our visual elements that make historical Santa Monica special,” said Joe Schmokealotapot, a five-year member of the Planning Commission. “These rigs are gonna be bitchen, man.”
A representative from the local Greenpeas chapter expressed concern over the approval and sheer size of this project.
“We at Greenpeas are opposed to any exploitation of our world’s oceans, the home of our greatest creatures,” Bea Green, just before getting a parking ticket. “We must be compensated for this exploitation of our natural resources with cold, hard cash.”
Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press print edition on April 1, 2003. Read the original PDF.