The Olsen twins, Mary-Kate and Ashley, have amassed a ridiculous fortune starring in innocuous direct-to-video fare for girls with titles such as “The Case of the Sea World Adventure” and “You’re Invited to Mary-Kate and Ashley’s Camping Party.” Well, now girls, boys and — no doubt — dirty old men are invited to Mary-Kate and Ashley’s big screen sexual awakening and, ugh!, is it ever unseemly. Ostensibly a kids’ movie, “New York Minute” offers plenty of perverse peeps at the dolled-up, not-quite-legal siblings in various stages of undress. The opening sequence features Ashley having a nightmare in which she delivers an important speech in the nude, awakens in a cold sweat, hops in the shower and is surprised by a giant snake. Later, both Olsens — fresh out of the shower at the Plaza Hotel — are surprised by a snake … er, shirtless guy who, after ogling the robe-clad twins (in slo-mo, no less), excitedly exclaims, “Is today my birthday?” As if sending ill-advised messages about sexuality to legions of impressionable little girls weren’t reprehensible enough, director Dennie Gordon also offends with a slew of shameful stereotypes that includes a Chinese woman threatening a dog with chopsticks and a predominately African- American hair salon dubbed “The House of Bling.”
The breakdown: Uptight overachiever Jane Ryan (Ashley) is the polar opposite of her rebellious sis, Roxy (Mary-Kate). Jane likes George Bush, Roxy would rather listen to Bush. Constantly at odds, the two can seemingly only agree on matching miniskirts. A day trip into Manhattan turns into a kooky adventure that pits the Ryan girls against an inept gangster (Andy Richter) and a creepy truant officer (Eugene Levy). A pubescent-pleasing soundtrack blares throughout as our diminutive heroines run from the bumbling bad guys and into the arms of a couple of studs, both of whom look to be in their late twenties. In the end, of course, the girls realize they’re not so different after all, and that together they can accomplish anything … even turn a mess of a movie into big box office. (Rated PG for mild sensuality and thematic elements. Running time: 91 minutes)
Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press print edition on May 7, 2004. Read the original PDF.