By ICONOCLAST BLAST BY SETH BARNES
I am here to make a plea. As a concerned member of the human community, an advocate for peace, and a supporter of non-violent conflict resolution, I ask that the men’s grooming industry agree to an immediate ceasefire. I implore them to dismantle the sophisticated weaponry that stands, at this very moment, on hair-trigger alert. The arms race cannot continue. I beg: Do not develop a shaving device with six blades.
As anybody who watched the Super Bowl knows, after several years of détente, Gillette recently escalated the shaving crisis with the introduction of The Fusion razor. This five-bladed behemoth leapfrogged the most powerful artillery on the market: Gillette’s Mach III (three blades) and Schick’s Quattro (four blades).
The reason for my desperate appeal should be obvious. An average man, standing naked and half-asleep in his bathroom can barely operate an electric toothbrush, much less a bundle of laser sharpened razor blades. This has nothing to do with the safety of these next-generation razors, mind you. Used properly, they provide a wondrous shave that will entice random women to snuggle up to you on the street in order to stroke your smooth, baby-skinned cheeks.
It’s operator error I’m worried about. After all, we’re talking about men here. That’s right, the fat, crass, lazy half of the species whose subconscious mind is pretty much devoted to the acquisition and consumption of grilled meats and Internet pornography. Our popular culture has been more than happy to play up men as bird-brained inebriates in shows like “The Simpsons” and “Everyone Loves Raymond.” And think about the litany of commercials depicting men as totally out of touch with reality, a class of people who think selecting the right light beer or half-ton pickup truck will prove their masculinity to the hordes of attractive women on the prowl for Mr. Right.
So now we want to hand a bank of high-tech carving tools to bleary-eyed, out of breath dunces who, more likely than not, are battling the shaky affects of an early morning hangover?
My sentiments should resonate here in Santa Monica, bastion of activism, epicenter in greater Los Angeles for peace and unconditional love for one’s fellow man.
My personal research suggests that a half dozen razor blades scraping across anyone’s face in the early morning hours will invariably lead to a substantial increase in razor nick: A familiar, and utterly humiliating condition that can only be treated by plastering the affected areas with unsightly wads of tissue.
The three-and four-blade models were dangerous enough in this regard. The five-blade model has brought us to the brink of catastrophe (not to mention that Fusion features a miniature “Precision Trimmer” blade on the back that could technically be considered a sixth blade).
Fusion is poised to become the best selling razor in history. By 2008, the men’s grooming market is expected to hit $10 billion a year. Some analysts predict that Fusion could eventually rake in as much as $1 billion in annual sales. In the very near future, it is a virtual certainty that a Fusion will lay, like an unstable nuclear missile, in bathrooms across the world.
Based on these projections, it’s likely that some competitor will be compelled to develop the dreaded razor with six blades, at which point we will have totally transgressed the limits of a safe shaving experience.
Before you assail me as a sissy, an impractical peace activist afraid to see a little blood spilled, let me point out that there are legitimate economic reasons behind my concerns. The increase in razor nick will undoubtedly result in tissue paper shortages — toilet and otherwise — that have the potential to destabilize economies across the globe. Also, as the razor nick epidemic intensifies, it is not unreasonable to envision billions of men sulking through their mornings with dried Kleenex dotted across their jowls. That can’t be good for productivity.
I’d ask our government to step in to regulate this growing tempest, but they have a regrettable record when it comes to identifying and containing razors of mass destruction. Thus, I leave it to the megalomaniacs in the shaving industry to exhibit some common sense. Five blades are enough. After all we’re shaving whiskers, not diamonds.
Gillette tells us that that their razor is “the best a man can get.” This time, let’s hope they mean it. (Seth Barnes)
Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press print edition on March 16, 2006. Read the original PDF.