By ANY DAY IN LA BY HEIDI MANTEUFFEL
Drivers in LA are terrible. It’s like watching “Jerry Springer,” because you never know what stupid move they are going to come up with next.
Sure, there’s no throwing of chairs and getting jiggy with a goat, usually, but the list of dumb stuff people think they can do, and end up doing, never ceases to amaze me.
It reminds me of Dr. Suess’ “Green Eggs and Ham,” only I’m the curmudgeonly guy that keeps complaining, and the drivers that annoy me are all plopped into one character: I Am Bad Driver. Bad Driver am I. That Bad Driver, that Bad Driver, I totally dislike that Bad Driver.
Try it. Try it and you may I say. Heck I do it every day.
Yes, yes you do. Would you like to cut people off? Would you like to swerve every time that you cough?
I would not like to cut or swerve. To ask me you have quite some nerve.
A turn lane, from a turn lane! Could you, would you from a turn lane?
To cut across four lanes of traffic would be completely insane.
A street, park your car in the middle of the street! Getting sworn at would be so neat!
Because there are open spaces, but blocking traffic just can’t be beat?
Then the side, try to merge from the illegal side. Making your own lane of traffic always shortens the ride.
To do that would be suicide. An accident! Check out the accident! Could you slow down and keeping staring at the accident?
Could you keep moving so my car doesn’t get bent?
Could you would you drive through a red light? Could you would you when the cops are in sight?
No, but to watch you get caught would be a delight.
Could you burst into traffic from a street parking spot to almost hit someone only to turn into an alley seconds later? Could you do that on a day-to-day basis?
That doesn’t rhyme, like, at all. Could you, would you block someone in?
Maybe if I wanted my bumper dented in.
Could you almost hit pedestrians within an inch of their life?
You actually do that sort of thing driving with your wife?
Yes I do. Could you block off both lanes of traffic so that nobody can pass?
No because people who do that are total... jerks.
A bus! What about a bus! Getting your lane taken away within an inch of your life from a bus is always must!
Can you just look where you’re driving without causing a fuss?
Could you would you stop and start? Burst into traffic to go the same speed as a shopping cart?
Storybooks are always better when they’re not based in reality, or at least when the reality doesn’t have to do with bad driving. (Heidi)
Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press print edition on February 28, 2006. Read the original PDF.