I’M CONVINCED THAT EVERY MAJOR retail company in the world has a Department of Customer Confusion. This clandestine operation doesn’t sit next to marketing, accounting or IT in company headquarters. No, like some sick facsimile of a secretive CIA mercenary unit, these folks work out of a tightly secured bunker with sound-proof walls. They probably have a separate entrance and cafeteria so other employees don’t catch wind of their devious, diabolical schemes (and don’t have to deal with the crushing guilt and shame that would accompany such knowledge). And if you looked at the Outlook calendar of the Executive Vice President in the Department of Customer Confusion, I think you’d only see one item on this to-do list: “Concoct rebate offers that will confuse the bejesus out of our customers.”
Next time you’re at a cocktail party, casually drop the word “rebate” into a sentence and see what kind of response you get. I’m sure you’ll hear tales of grandiose woe, involving multiple photo copies of receipts, nonsensical mailing addresses, the finest print you can imagine, and handfuls of U.S. postal stamps and rebate checks that are perpetually “in the mail.” Perhaps you’ll hear a tale involving an inept customer service representative or an indignant member of accounts payable. The rebate is the only legal loophole allowing companies to enact fraud on the customers they supposedly wake up each day trying to serve.
My latest tango in Rebate Hell stems from an HP notebook computer I purchased a year ago. After buying the laptop from Office Depot at a steep discount, I dutifully filled out a maze of forms and purchasing information and sent it to some obscure post office box in South Dakota. I crossed the item off my “to-do” list, and began waiting for checks in the amount of $50 and $150 to arrive. And I’m sure it won’t surprise you to know that while I’ve received the $50 check from HP, the $150 check from Office Depot has yet to arrive (mental note: Do not cross “rebate checks” off the to-do list until they arrive). Last week, I spoke with an overseas customer service rep who informed me that my rebate request had yet to be processed. He simply processed the order with me on the line and told me, of course, that they check was now officially in the mail. We’ll see about that.
In the modern information age where, by necessity, companies are more transparent than they’ve ever been, I don’t see how they can keep perpetuating this fraud. If they plan on selling an item for less than sticker price, simply refund that money at the point of purchase. If billions of dollars are spent in pursuit of the consumer, and the modern consumer has more choices and purchasing options than any time in history, how can a corporation even come close to risking the good graces of such a relationship by running those handing over their hard-earned money through a hellacious gauntlet of red-tape misery that drives the most patient among us totally bonkers?
Ask anybody remotely involved in the sale of goods to customers, and they’ll tell you that their number one goal is to satisfy that customer. Indeed, there are countless examples of companies happily going out of their way in an active effort to lose boatloads of money in the hope of merely getting a customer in the door and/or giving that customer a positive experience within their store or virtual walls so they might come back. Wal-Mart notoriously operates on razor-thin, single-digit margins as they slash and burn their prices in the name of volume. In their third quarter earnings report, Amazon.com announced that they sold 2.5 million copies of the latest Harry Potter book … at a loss. That’s right, the world’s biggest online retailer purposely sold the book at a loss-leading discount for no other reason than driving buyers to their site (who undoubtedly purchase additional items) and establishing their stake as the place to buy the latest and greatest products.
Hopefully, the rise of e-commerce strikes a dagger in the heart of Departments of Customer Confusion across the country.After all, the online retail space is notoriously competitive as alternate options abound. A better deal or experience is only a mouse-click away. Remember, the customer’s always right.
Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press print edition on November 8, 2007. Read the original PDF.