Public enemy No. 1 — Osama bin Laden — was captured by Santa Monica authorities last night, after he emerged from the rubble of Palisades Bluffs. bin Laden, who had been living amongst the homeless population in an intricate tunnel system in the cliffs above PCH, miraculously survived the collapse. The terrorist was found sprawled out on the shoulder of the PCH, screaming, “Mama, mama.” Visibly shaken and stirred, bin Laden was immediately taken to a padded cell in the $500 million new Santa Monica Jail.
“After we checked him for cooties and cavities, we threw him in a straightjacket,” said Police Chief Barry Buttocks. “Once again, we got our man... It took special forces to get Saddam and our little police department by the sea nabbed Osama single handily.”
Meanwhile, shots rang out in the Pico neighborhood. Apparently bin Laden had been living in the bluffs for a year and was protected under the watchful eye of Santa Monica’s most notorious homeless people. They maintained 24-hour watches, fed him from the food lines above them at Palisades Park and bathed him under the cover of darkness at the beach.
A source close to the capture said a group of cracked-out Afghanistan vagrants, addicted to opium, had been flown to Santa Monica after the U.S. invaded their country. Santa Monica, widely known as the dumping ground for transients from governments all over the country, is now recognized as the official place to put displaced people. City Hall has been apparently accepting money for bums from all over the world since the U.S. first invaded the Middle East.
“Look, we are humanitarians here and every single soul on this planet is our brother,” said City Councilman Borris Bleedingheart. “I don’t care if they are terrorists, or your former first grade teacher, somewhere they lost their way and I couldn’t sleep at night if I knew we weren’t doing everything we could to help them back into society.” bin Laden had created miles of tunnels that led to hundreds of caves. As authorities sifted through the rubble that once towered above PCH, remnants of Bin Laden’s life here became clearer. It appears he had a penchant for Cracker Jacks — as dozens of cases were found in select locations. Next to those were hundreds of pictures of virgins and a life-size mannequin of Kobe Bryant.
“It appears that all of what he claims was wrong with America, this Cracker Jack worshipped,” said Ronald Dumsfeld, head of the country’s War on Terror. “We had heard chatter that he was holed up in some liberal place where they wouldn’t notice him because they had other important things to deal with. We were close to finding him, but then Mother Nature stepped in. God works in mysterious ways.”
Meanwhile, local politicians were planning an elaborate celebration to congratulate themselves for the capture.
“If we don’t pat ourselves on the back, no one will,” said City Councilmember Al Aboutme, who was touching up his makeup for his next T.V. interview. “Santa Monica once again is on the map. Bring on the news crews.”
Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press print edition on April 1, 2004. Read the original PDF.