By GUEST COMMENTARY BY LINDA MILO Dear Dorie
A single mother with a newborn son asked me what the future held for her son without a relationship with his father. She wanted to make sure that her child grew up with a healthy male image and learned the things boys need to learn from their fathers. As a single mother who raised six children, three of which are boys, I felt right at home with sharing this sound advice with her: Being a single mother of a son can be a very rewarding, and a personally empowering and expanding time for both you and your son. Through parents, children receive care, protection and a view of the world that can be applied to their situation when they marry. This view is the result of what your child is exposed to throughout his childhood. Can a mother alone create this view within a stable environment and produce a healthy stable boy and adult? Most certainly, yes.
First, don’t try to portray a father figure, but remain a good vibrant mother who wants only the best relationship with her son. Mothers are the mirror by which sons gain understanding of how men and women relate to each other. Allow your son to become a good decision-maker by offering him choices in as many situations as you can.
Secondly, give your son responsibilities for helping with household chores, helping the family and schoolwork, but not the responsibility of your stresses, deprivation or loneliness. Stay centered and balanced as you communicate with your son. Your long-term goal is to provide your child with a relationship that builds his personality.
Third, as your son grows older, allow him to seek strong male role models by attending the Boy Scouts, Big Brothers of America, or some other group he can identify with by being with other children who are doing male-type activities. It will boost your son’s sense of self-sufficiency, as well as independence. Also, as your son gets older, have a trustworthy male relative or friend spend some time with him.
Fourth, create “me” time for yourself as much as you can. You will discover that if your heart is happy, your son will feel it and he will reflect happiness also. Children learn by imitating. Every child watches and learns from his mother.
And lastly, enjoy the blessing of the birth of your son. Understand that you and your son are meant to be together in this lifetime. His life is entrusted to you. Your love is his main support. Secure in his mother’s affection and respect, your son will become a father some day who will truly exceed your expectations. Become the best parent you can be by spending each day in an atmosphere of love, respect and caring. You will one day see that your son is a unique and distinct individual who you admire and are proud to be the mother of. (Linda Milo, “The Parent-Child Connection Coach,” specializes in helping mothers and fathers turn their parenting challenges into a more livable, more workable and more enjoyable family life. For parent coaching, call her at (310) 458-2079).
Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press print edition on August 8, 2006. Read the original PDF.