By SLACKARIASON Daily Planet Slave
All parking tickets in Santa Monica will now cost $300, an increase of 399.9 percent.
No matter if it is a red zone, expired meter or street cleaning violation, every single ticket is $300. If you don’t pay within 24 hours, the fine doubles.
The decision was made last week behind closed doors. The City Council knows how Santa Monicans loathe parking tickets in this city, so they thought it would be better if such an important issue was dealt with privately.
“We really didn’t want to hear it. We warned the good citizens of Santa Monica months ago that we desparately needed money,” said City Manager Foofan McSmarty. “This really should be no surprise. I mean, where else are we going to get the money if we don’t gouge our citizens?”
The new ticket system has been contracted with a company in Sibera, where all hearings contesting tickets will have to heard by a panel of Nazis.
“There should be nothing convenient about trying to getting out of a violation,” said parking officer Wheel Getyou. “I say, quit crying and pay the fine. You drive a car, you deserve it.”
Parking officers will receive a 5 percent commission on every ticket given.
The city currently issues 100,000 tickets a month in this town of 84,000, garnering a dismal $100 million a year. City offiicals hope to bring in billions of dollars with this latest scheme.
“We think this will solve a lot of our financial problems,” said Ben Dover, the city’s fincanial misdirector, just before getting a parking ticket. “Now I can keep spending someone else’s money on whatever I see fit. This should be a huge windfall for us.”
A celebration party was planned at City Hall after the announcement was made, where officials were said to be patting each other on the back and sipping champagne with parking enforcement officers.
Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press print edition on April 1, 2003. Read the original PDF.