Squirrel activists tell critters to lay low as plague fears grow
By SACK JA MAMMA Daily Mess Maker
Two dozen Santa Monicans have died in the past six days and dozens more have fallen ill due to their contact with the massive squirrel population in Palisades Park.
It appears that health officials’ worst fear — bubonic plague — has become a reality in Santa Monica.
“We have been warning the public for years that this could happen but of course the residents of that city by the sea, in all of their infinite wisdom, chose not to believe us, even though we are the experts,” said County Health Director Terry Itoldu. “Now instead of the squirrels dying, people are dying. This is not good.”
City Hall was ordered by the county months ago to kill off the squirrel population with poision but it acquiesced to the citizenry, whose liberal values prevented them from supporting such a move, whether it was in the interest of public safety or not.
The first case was reported last weekend, when a homeless man came to the emergency room complaining of uncontrollable itching.
“We were unsure of his condition but we didn’t probe much further because he has no insurance or money so we sent him away,” said Dr. Ryan Bother, director of emergency services. “He certainly wasn’t from north of Montana.”
The patient eventually wound up at an urgent care center, where it was discovered he had fleas, the first sign that he has been in contact with a contaminated squirrel. From there, it went from bad to worse. The symptoms were clear: swollen lymph nodes (buboes, hence the name), high fever, and delirium.
“Those evil squirrels are passing the disease onto humans through their fleas,” said Dr. Kenneth Cure, a specialist with the Center for Disease Control.
Officials are fearful that anyone and everyone who frequents Palisades Park has been exposed to the disease. Within two days of the first case reported, dozens of people began showing up in hospitals delirious.
“We thought at first that it was just all of the mentally ill, deranged folk coming in off the street,” said Dr. Bother. “But then we noticed that some of these patients were wearing Prada shoes and Cartier jewelry.”
They put two and two together and realized that walkers and runners from north of Montana neighborhoods were falling ill at the about the same time the homeless were.
“Think about it, they are stepping over them all of the time,” said Itoldu. “I’m afraid this is going to become a widespread pandemic.”
In the worst case, the lungs will become infected and the pneumonic form will spread from person to person by coughing, sneezing, or simply talking.
From the time of infection, death is expected in less than one week.
Right now, officials are figuring out their next move. They have come up with nothing so far.
“There hasn’t been a plague since the 17th century,” said City Councilman Sevin McDearin. “I hate to say this but I think it’s important to be honest at this point since we all might be meeting our maker... we have no idea what the hell to do.”
In the meantime, City Hall officials are killing all of the squirrels throughout the city.
“Anyone who has a problem with that can go to hell, oops... that might not be a good thing to say at this juncture in time, please don’t print that,” City Hall spokesman Dean Dimplomatic.
Officials with vector control conducted several raids on residences and found many homeowners harboring the diseased squirrels.
“Under no circumstances will we tolerate citizens saving these ravaged animals,” said Police Chief Johnny F’in Law. “If anyone is caught harboring these squirrels, they will be shot on the spot.”
Some residents aren’t too concerned about the consequences.
“They are nuts if they think they can kill these innocent creatures,” said Feona Fillfthy, who has had pet squirrels living in her north of Montana home. “My children were practically raised by them. They are part of my family. I will die before I let anything happen to them.”
Officials have asked anyone who is feeling nauseous or delirious to report immediately to City Hall, second floor, down the hall to the right.
“That’s city council chambers, where we feel it’s appropriate to put all of them at this point,” McDearin said.
Even so, rent for a studio apartment in Santa Monica is $1,500, even south of the 10. Street parking is not included.
Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press print edition on April 1, 2006. Read the original PDF.