By SETH BARNES barnes-
ON FEB. 5, CALIFORNIA HAS THE HONOR to be part of Super Duper Cataclysmic Approximation Of Armageddon Tuesday when 21 states across the nation will hold presidential primaries. At one time, it appeared the front-loaded 2008 primary season would produce nominees on or directly after this date. But with America performing as you’d expect to perform under the tutelage of a former owner of the mighty, totally-legendary Texas Rangers baseball club, it seems we’re having a touch of difficulty deciding on the next Bozo we want flickering on our TV sets over the next four years. Understandable.
But what do you want, America? The one mantra that the media has been sharp enough to pick up on and write about ad infinitum is “change.” Like an animal lover who thought it might be nice to raise emotionally unstable chimpanzees suffering from smallpox for seven-plus years, we’re ready for something different. And the more I think about it, it’s become clear that the nation should follow the lead of California and other states that offer the electorate the opportunity to vote on ballot propositions that directly affect the laws and statutes that govern us. That would really shake things up. It might seem silly to give everyday goobers direct authority over the law of the land, but at the very least, it’s good for a chuckle or two when you realize that Joe Public just approved taxpayer-backed riverboat gambling or publicly funded euthanasia kiosks.
Here are eight national ballot propositions for an electorate as undecided as Bill Clinton in a donut shop: Prop. 12 — Homeland Security Alerts Sponsored By Mountain Dew — I think we’d all like to see more product placement in our federal government. It’s a great way to spike revenues. And if we’re going to freak out about the unsubstantiated, nondescript possibility of terror, we might as well call that situation “Mountain Dew Code Red.”
Prop. 17 — Stop Selling Us Commemorative Coins! — Wait, so the federal government is trying to sell us our own money? Is that really legal?
Prop. 29 — Bling Out Presidential Motorcade — Look, it’s all about style these days. If we want young people to become passionate about civil service, what better way than tricking out the prez entourage with pimpy Escalades complete with diamond-encrusted rims, a hootin’ sound system (“Hail To The Chief, Yo!”) and hydraulics? It’s time for us to represent.
Prop. 33 — A Penny For War, A Penny On The New England Patriots — If we’re going to spend $190 billion each year fighting wars on foreign soil, we might as well make that money back by gambling on the New England Patriots, one of our most valuable natural resources. For each penny spent in Iraq and Afghanistan, the secretary of the treasury would place an equal amount on The Pats to cover the spread via an account set up for this purpose at www.EasySportsBets.com. Only the secretary of the treasury shall be permitted to access this login (username: USAgovdude, password: cashcow).
Prop. 39 — Aviator Shades and Afro Guy — We demand that the president wear aviator shades and a perfectly primped afro at all times. Hereafter, he will not be known as The Commander in Chief but as Aviator Shades and Afro Guy.
Prop. 49 — Presidential Pet Decree — We’re tired of boring dogs and the occasional cat in the White House. If Prop. 49 passes, the president will be required to keep an orangutan, crocodile, stingray or two-humped camel. He or she will also walk said pet across the South Lawn onto the presidential helicopter when required.
Prop. 68 — Return Of The Fireside Chat — The president still talks to us from the Oval Office, but where’s the fire? Prop. 68 would require that he sit next to a proper roaring fire and stoke it confidently and competently, like a man.
Prop. 77 — Presidential Dish Session — During the campaign, we get used to all the ducking and weaving around the tough questions. No more. We want to know all the juicy, dishy gossip about the most powerful person in the world. Prop. 77 will require the U.S. secretary of setting up the Internet and WiFi in the White House initiate a blog called “Pardon Me!” for the president. Then, once a day, the president will blog about all the weird, crazy, embarrassing stuff they’ve done or thought of doing. Sex act performed in a public bathroom? Unfortunate body odor that won’t go away? Late night over drinks and street drugs at a Washington steak house? We want to hear about it on “Pardon Me!”
Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press print edition on January 17, 2008. Read the original PDF.