By NICK MOCKIAVELLI Read more of his satire at Mockiavelli.com
THESE ARE CHALLENGING TIMES. Recession. Slow growth. An economic hiccup. Hard Times. A downturn in the economy. The Great Depression (Millennium Edition). Squeeze on the American pocketbook. Housing crisis. Rich dads now poor. Credit crunch. Financial setback. Period where money evaporates for no reason. Living lean. Deteriorating market conditions. Tightening budgets.
No matter how you phrase it, the economy is looking a little iffy these days. And luckily, you can always get an update on the situation with round-the-clock cable news, broadband Internet, mobile connections and those offensively intrusive screens that assault you with Headline News when you’re just trying to pump gas or buy a quart of milk at the grocery store.
A recession is specifically defined as a decline in GDP for two or more consecutive quarters, but rather than wait for that to actually happen, the modern way of dealing with this is TO FREAK OUT ABOUT WHAT’S GOING ON WITH OUR MONEY!!!! (even if none of us actually understand how macroeconomics work). And since many have already lost their jobs, homes and general financial stability, it’s fair to say we’re anxious for our elected officials to do something about the mess.
Accordingly, the presidential campaign has taken on the economic downturn as the number one issue on the campaign trail. While the candidates have proposed various measures to stimulate the economy (in recessions, politicians spend their time on “stimulus” … imagine a sanitation worker holding his nose and prodding a hunk of spoiled meat with a stick with the faint hope that the slab of beef comes back to life, and you get the picture) and boost productivity, I thought it might be worth examining the various solutions available to the candidates.
Pay Citizens Hush Money — Otherwise known as “the IRS economic stimulus tax rebate,” this strategy effectively pays taxpayers some of their own money so they shut up, stopping crying/asking tricky questions and head out for spa treatments and iPod Nanos on Uncle Sam.
For couples receiving the full $1,200 rebate, an evening of stuffed shrimp and Mango Madness margaritas at The Cheesecake Factory await Politicians Are Just Like You! — Even if Bill and Hillary Clinton pocketed $109 million in the last few years and Barack Obama is a telegenic, once-in-a-generation speaker who regularly fills sports arenas for a 15 minute stump speech, politicians like to mix it up with regular folks on the campaign trail. In wearing goofy hats, bowling a string or two, and knocking back light beers, they’re proving they’re just like you. And you ain’t so bad!
Blame The Oil Companies — Oil companies are big, shifty, faceless enterprises that apparently do nothing other than corral mounds of $100 bills with lawn rakes (probably gold-plated lawn rakes at that!) and fill out an almost infinite number of zeros in the “net income” section of their quarterly reports.
Basically, while those of us in goofy hats who swig light beer at the bowling alley don’t have any idea how crude is extracted from the earth and processed, we don’t think anyone who has such knowledge should profit from it.
Blame The Lame Duck — Let’s just say that George W. Bush won’t go down as the Tiger Woods of U.S. presidents. As he moves into official lame duck status, he’s an easy target for both Democrats and Republicans. As Bush himself joked the other day when talking about daughter Jenna’s upcoming nuptials, “Jenna’s moving out too.” Everyone’s hating on W because it works.
Nondescript Job Creation — Jobs. Good quality, living wage jobs. We all want ‘em and we all need ‘em. I don’t think anyone really knows how jobs are created or taken away, but you won’t meet anybody running for president who won’t promise a boatload of ‘em just for the heck of it. It’s one of the top plays in the recession playbook!
School Daze — In general, our schools could always use improving. Will this ever not be the case? Will there ever be a time where parents, teacher and students alike all turn to each other and say, “Hey, our schools aren’t so bad! Every one is safe, happy and learning lots and lots.” This better not happen, or it will cut down the ways politicians can slice and dice their campaign trail promises.
Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press print edition on May 8, 2008. Read the original PDF.