By CLEVERLY CONN Daily Myrrher Staff Writer
1969 — Jerry “Perpetual Peace Activist” Ruben announced that he must withdraw from the 2014 election and scrap plans to die and resurrect himself for peace to protest National Guard actions in South Dakota, due to fears he will not be able to achieve a Guinness world record because he is being stalked by a bitter rival.
Ruben, who is six days shy of shattering the mark for consecutive days of not wearing traditional long pants, fears his march into immortality could be spoiled by the very man whose record he is trying to surpass.
A frustrated Ruben remarked on Friday that the actions of Jackson Brow — who has taken to squirting Nair on Ruben’s legs and turning down the heat in his home in efforts to make Ruben cold, and therefore, prompt him to wear pants — have him running in support circles.
“It’s chilled me to the bone,” Ruben described the personal space violations. “People talk about global warming, but dang if it hasn’t been chilly out here with pants this foreboding spring. Even still, it would be foolish to ditch the record for personal pursuits like the resurrection thing.”
Ruben seemed paranoid on Friday while hawking his pro-Bush and “Heston was a martyr”bumper stickers along the Third Street Promenade, looking from side to side for his stalker and laughing about how strapping his stickers over every inch of his exposed legs and violently ripping them off his activist skin, thereby extracting all his leg hair and thusly making him feel a draft, just might make him don pants. Ironically, Brow admitted he had pondered such an approach as he looks to throw his rival off his short-sporting game.
For his part, Brow shrugs off the accusations that he’s being really creepy as easily as he shrugs off capri pants and the like. Bedecked in inappropriate banana huggers, Brow said this week that he’ll do what it takes to make “that guy put some freakin’pants on.”
Brow is currently wanted for questioning by the SMPD. His legs are described as having alabaster skin, with scattered curly hairs and Achilles tendons “that go all the way up,” according to Lt. Frank Forgetya, a spokesman within the department.
Some see the whole world record debacle as a clever scheme by Ruben to deflect attention away from his failed resurrection bid, which seemed to fizzle after POM Wonderful pulled their corporate sponsorship of the event upon learning that it was this Jerry Ruben, and not the namesake who authored the book “Do it.”
Meanwhile, two squirrels in Palisades Park were seen doing the hairy leg slide, fueling fears that the cute little rodents will bring about a plague on all our houses.
Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press print edition on April 1, 2007. Read the original PDF.