COMMUNITY BRIEFS
By Daily Mess staff By Daily Mess staff By Daily Mess staff By Daily Mess staff
CITY HALL — City officials on Friday officially adopted New Orleans as its first “Step Sister City.” City Hall has close relationships with many cities throughout the world that are considered sister cities but there has never been one that has a designated lower status.
“Let’s face it, we don’t have that much in common with New Orleans,” said Slyvia Sheltered, executive director of City Hall Sister City Program. “But their stories are so pathetic we felt compelled to help.”
But seeking aide from Santa Monica isn’t a slam dunk.
“Step Sister cities may ask for help but that does-n’t mean we give it to them,” Sheltered explained. “It just means we give them hope.”
MID-CITY Seizing an opportunity to buy a swath of land between 17th and 18th streets, City Hall has snagged a three-acre parcel so it can build its long-time dream of a professional ice arena. However, there are no plans to get an ice hockey team in Santa Monica.
“We had some extra money so we looked at our wish list and found hockey as a community asset, so we said ‘why not?’” said Al Makeubroke.
Residents were furious with the move, citing they have parking issues as it is, especially with the damn church expanding.
MONTANA AVE. — Fledgling barista Illeana Moss, born Eileen Moyer in Toledo, Ohio, debated quitting her job on Friday amid a smoke break, realizing not only had she not landed any roles since moving to Los Angeles to pursue acting, but in all honesty, she really wasn’t “all that and a bag of chips” as she was told after capturing her middle school’s homecoming crown eight years ago.
“Nobody told me how hard the journey might be,” she said, reflecting on three months of toil over vanilla soy lattes and those machines in coffee shops that go “whoosh.” “I mean, everybody out here is naturally beautiful. How do you compete with that?”
Of course, in the light of day, the imperfections of the 5’10”, blonde surfer girl/pre-med student were perfectly apparent. Anyone in the “industry” worth their salt would have told her to quit wasting her time weeks ago, and to go back to the refugee orphanage where she volunteers during her free time — what with her non-detached earlobes, healthy in appearance build and spontaneous fits of joyous laughter.
Moss’ low self-esteem was justly reinforced by a Grande Mocha regular forced to wait, rolling his eyes, until he was given a recycled cardboard cup sleeve.
DOWNTOWN — At the urging of the ACLU, authorities took into custody DeShawn Jackson, as a pre-emptive measure to avoid a hate crime. Jackson is the newly appointed Exalted Ruler of the Most High for the local Santa Monica Elks chapter, a title deemed to sound “somewhat racist” by civil rights groups and worthy of removing from the general population.
“I don’t know about you, but Exalted Ruler sounds like some KKK crap to me,” said John Duke, spokesperson for the local chapter of the ACLU. “I know these Elk guys get eyeglasses for little mulatto kids or something, but we can’t have them running about town scaring the bejeezus out of the rest of us.”
In a related story, a really old Elk handed a plaque to a younger Elk — though not “young” by everyday standards — for giving back to the community, or something or other. ‘Jets on the Juice’ hits with bang
Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press print edition on April 1, 2006. Read the original PDF.