By SLACKARIASON Daily Planet Slave
Feeling as if it has lost control, Santa Monica’s ruling party has put an end to capitalism in the city.
SMEAAR, also known as “Santa Monicans Everywhere Are Always Right,” has announced it will issue mandatory pricing for various services in the city — beginning with haircuts.
“It started when I was on Montana Avenue and I went into one of those froo-froo salons,” said Councilman Darei Sayitoutloud. “It cost me 75 bucks to get a haircut. That’s just not right. Working people can’t afford that on their pitiful living wage.”
SMEAAR’s regulatory pricing board will start capping haircuts at $15, with unionized employees receiving a 20 percent discount. From there, all other pricing guidelines will be arbitrary and capricious.
“We are sticking with our philosophy of randomly picking on businesses and individuals,” said SMEAAR ruler Kenny Iminsane. “These people think they can make a buck by charging citizens whatever they want. Those days are over. Trust us, we know what’s best.”
SMEAAR officials say it’s not only about giving people affordability — it’s that no one should profit just because they own a business.
“This is just another way to make sure things don’t get out of hand,” said SMEAAR member Mikey Imdoingfine. “People are suffering.”
“This is just another way to make sure things don’t get out of hand.” — — MIKEY IMDOINGFINE SMEAAR member
Business leaders, including the entire faction of the Angry Rich, don’t plan on taking the new regulations lying down. They have pooled their attorneys together for a lawsuit they promise will be tied up in court for decades.
They claim if SMEAAR starts regulating their pricing, profit margins could drop hundreds of percentile points.
“We’re angry,” said Robert Greedhead, just before he got a parking ticket. “You would think with all of our money, we could somehow get the reins back and get control. What’s wrong with capitalizing on your neighbor?”
Every item or service that is subject to price controls will be regulated by a separate department and board in City Hall.
“Multiple levels of bureaucracy will only help our cause,” said city slacker Lazy Daisy. “People will be so fed up, they’ll just give up and succumb to the process.”
Officials are eyeing other items that they consider out of control. They estimate that they should have everything in Santa Monica under control within the year.
Other services and products targeted for regulation by SMEAAR: ■Shoe shines ■Drinking water, carbonated and tap, at restaurants ■Mandated 50 percent tips for hotel service workers ■Garden hoses ■Rubber rafts ■Nasal spray ■Ice cream ■California rolls ■Socks ■Cotton swabs There has even been talk about making it mandatory that all Santa Monicans become vegans.
Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press print edition on April 1, 2003. Read the original PDF.