By Daily Planet Slave
CITY HALL — A platoon of Simi Valley Young Republicans unloaded from a black minivan yesterday, sacking City Hall and capturing three councilmen.
Six boys and six girls, all sworn future leaders of the Republican Party, were driven by a desperate housewife to Santa Monica’s city headquarters Wednesday morning as part of a broad effort underway to re-populate the West Coast with Republicans.
The Simi Valley youth came to City Hall to greet fellow Reds expected to arrive from Alabama, Kansas, Kentucky, Texas and West Virginia — but were greeted instead with a regularly-scheduled City Council meeting still in session from the previous evening. Bored out of their mind, the youth demanded video games until the council meeting ended, or until more of their Republican forces arrived to liberate them from the clutches of liberal bureaucracy.
The City Council wouldn’t grant the request on the grounds councilmen were also bored out of their minds at meetings and would rather be playing video games themselves, but had a job to do. So the kids from Simi Valley took the council hostage.
“They came, they saw, they kicked some ass,” said Santa Monica Police spokesman Hank Imtellinya, describing from Main Street the Simi Valley coup as he gazed at the lawn they set ablaze outside City Hall.
Imtellinya said the fire was intended to prevent hostages from escaping the building, or perhaps to prevent the SWAT Team from moving in to confiscate the young Republicans’ weapons, mostly ninja stars which had been outlawed since the ’80s.
“This is a peculiar moment in history, and I’m glad to be part of it,” — Imtellinya said
The Simi Valley Young Republicans, wearing a combination of red, white and blue athletic wear and cheerleading uniforms, looked like they had just been set loose from a Nazi summer camp, or maybe a Frederick’s of Hollywood clothing store, said members of the media at the meeting.
The City Council denied the children’s request for political reasons.
“It’s up to you to entertain yourselves like any adult citizens who come here must,” said Councilman Ricardo Zoom. “Just ask the woman next to you.”
Zoom pointed to Lisa Haley, a Simi Valley mother and part-time children‘s chauffeur who was drawing the Governator’s testicles on a notepad, which she titled. One nut depicted the Governor’s testicles before — and the other after — his alleged steroid use.
No one from Major League Baseball who recently attended a Congressional hearing on steroid use didn’t comment much on their testicles.
Having been denied their video games, the Simi Valley Young Republicans proceeded to Plan B.
“Be sure to nab the Kennedy!” Barker shouted.
The Simi Valley youth, hearing the words of Darth Rumsfeld in their head, were triggered B.F. Skinner-style into video game/action mode. They pulled out sling shots and Ninja stars, and rounded up three councilmen without a hitch. In a brief but often serious struggle, Councilman Kev McQN, Robert Holiday, and Mayor Pam O’Thronner managed to flee City Hall unharmed, while Councilman Burp Fast, Zoom, and Bobby Coniver were taken hostage, Imtellinya said.
Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press print edition on April 1, 2005. Read the original PDF.