By Rachel Zients Schinderman Mommie Brain
I READ AN ARTICLE ONCE THAT DISMISSED some woman at a party for defining herself as a “mom.” The writer of this article was pregnant and determined to be more than “just a mom.” She judged this woman for her momness and wrote a whole article professing how she would be different. Work would define her, not diapers or preschool worries.
I didn’t bother to finish reading the article because it bothered me so much. Her belittling of this woman struck me. I may do other things in my life, but at my core, I am a mom.
I always wanted to be a mother, though I was never overly interested in baby-sitting or babies. But I had a feeling in my gut that someday I would be a mother, someday I would hear a voice say, “Mommie,” and know it was meant for me.
So the good people of The Santa Monica Daily Press have allowed me to share my thoughts on motherhood with you. While I have been writing for years, I have never written a column before, so I hope as I come to you in these pages you allow me to find my way.
A little about some of the players. There’s me, obviously. Originally from New York, I have lived in Los Angeles for almost 12 years now, more than half of that time in Santa Monica.
I am 37, have brown hair, and can often be seen wandering down Wilshire Boulevard pushing my son in his stroller (or chasing after him).
I have spent too much money at The Pump Station and The Right Start due to living a block from each. And I haven’t felt quite as cute and thin as I would prefer since my pregnancy.
My son Benjamin is 2 years old. He likes to swing at the playground. He loves Dora. And he has never been the best sleeper. I think he is quite the looker.
There is no way to mention my experience of motherhood without mentioning that when my son was born there were complications.
I know this will not define him or me forever, but at the moment, and for the last two years, I spend most of my time with him managing his care.
I am happy to report he is doing great, and if you saw him at the playground you would not think a thing, but just as everyone’s experience defines them, this is mine and it will find its way into this column. As will what parks I like and other regular mom stuff.
Then there is my husband, Jay, a truly lovely man, also from New York, who knew I was a writer when we met so he was very aware that he would be written about. He seems okay with it. He’s good like that.
As I write this, he is giving Benjamin a bath and singing Hava Nagila to him making him and me laugh.
Then there is Santa Monica. My husband and I struggle often about moving back to New York to be with our families.
But then we’ll go the Farmers’ Market on Main Street on Sundays, or stroll over to Whole Foods or feed the ducks at Douglas Park, and Santa Monica will take hold and keep us in place, embracing us as we make our home here, no longer there. This city has reassured us that if you have to be away from your family, this is a really good place to do it.
I thought about what to call this column: Santa Monica?
All I do is Laundry? But I chose Mommie Brain because often it seems my brain is in a fog of momminess, but then on the plus side, my thoughts have expanded because of the experience of motherhood.
I also run writers groups under the same name for moms and moms-to-be to document their experience, so it was a name I was already familiar with.
Motherhood is challenging. I don’t always get it right. I try not to judge how others parent, though I admit I have. At times, from pregnancy to nursing, it has felt like an assault on my body.
And because of how hard this all can be I am always a little in awe of it. I applaud moms whether they stay home or go to work.
Work is not a dirty word. I did not set out to be a stay at home mom, in fact it still takes me by surprise. But now that I am home, or rather now that I am a mom, I recognize how all encompassing it can be.
So, if asked at a party what I do, I would probably say, “I write, but at the moment I am home raising my son.” Or more direct, I would say simply and with pride, “I am a mom,” for I do it all day and all night long and I work hard at it.
RACHEL ZIENTS SCHINDERMAN lives in Santa Monica with her family. She
Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press print edition on September 9, 2008. Read the original PDF.