Clinton needs to make obama suffer obama and crow to make beautiful music extremist edwards mitt romney and the handsome vote mike huckabee and the big guy
By SETH BARNES barnes- Read more of Barnes’ political satire at www.VotersWrite.org
TODAY IS IOWA CAUCUS DAY, AND I’m more than happy to do some political handicapping!
For Senator Clinton to be successful in Iowa, she needs to win at least 98 percent of the Democratic vote. She needs to win convincingly with a commanding, daunting margin that literally makes Barack Obama drive to a Wal-Mart in Des Moines to pick out a cheap, rickety baby crib where he will spend the rest of the week sucking his thumb like an emasculated, sorry shell of a man. Preferably, Sen. John Edwards should receive negative delegates for Clinton to be successful. Under this scenario, not only will John Edwards receive zero delegates, some folks will actually waste their vote by writing in a phrase like “anyone but John “the Worst Human Being on The Planet” Edwards on their ballots. A few ballots will have nothing but vomit stains on them and electoral workers will soon realize this stands for an anti-John Edwards vote. Only a scorched-earth win like this will spell success for Clinton on caucus night.
Obama is a change agent. If this indeed is a change election and we expect Sen. Obama to change everything once and for all, only one scenario indicates victory for his camp: Obama walking out to cheering supporters after the caucuses with Crow’s “A Change Will Do You Good” blaring in the background. When the political stakes are high, the theme songs get cheesy. Think Bill Clinton coming out to “Don’t Stop (Thinking About Tomorrow)” in the 1990s. It made baby-boomers everywhere squirmy and goose-bumpy at the same time (please note that squirmy and goose-bumpy is the official trademark of Fleetwood Mac). Back in the day Crow was young and hip, but now that she appears in Revlon ads and dated Lance Armstrong, her body of work is ripe to get picked as campaign theme music. Sorry babe, you’re mainstream.
To fire up the democratic base, Edwards has positioned himself slightly to the left of Fidel Castro and the Black Panthers. He really needs to win this nomination, because if he doesn’t, there’s no way any self-respecting employer could hire somebody who’s given corporate America such a vicious talking-to.
For Edwards to walk out of the caucuses with the wind at his back, he’s going to need to create liberal rioting in the streets on the order of what we’re currently seeing in Pakistan or what took place during the 1968 Democratic Convention. To that end, it would be really helpful if the campaign could concoct a mock-assassination attempt where a cadre of greedy accountants and CEOs are the prime suspects.
It’s not so much about the actual results in the Iowa caucuses for the Romney campaign. It’s more about changes in society-at-large that show us people are latching onto what Romney represents: a very handsome man who appears to be getting handsomer with each passing day. So, if we see a significant number of middle-aged men sporting perfectly gelled hair wearing colored contacts transforming their eyes into ice-blue lasers that would melt a princess, we know Romney is onto something. If large numbers of normal-looking men are getting plastic surgery to make their jaws as firm and square as a hardcover book, we know Romney is onto something. If a number of men, out of thin air, decide that they want to father five sons and name them based on variations of “Mitt” (Mitty, Mittred, Glove) then we know Romney is definitely onto something.
Only one vote counts when it comes to Mike Huckabee: God. Who is the big guy in the sky going to cast His ballot for? Huckabee can Photoshop all the crosses he wants to into his campaign ads, but when the rubber hits the road, can he get The Holy Trinity out on a freezing Thursday night to caucus for him? Huckabee won’t carry any momentum into New Hampshire or Feb. 5 if The Father of Light and Life doesn’t give him big ups in Iowa.
Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press print edition on January 3, 2008. Read the original PDF.