By Dorie
Dear Dorie, With all the conversations about spanking legislation going on, can you give me some advice on other methods to use? Also, will the occasional “spank”do any damage or is this really a child abuse discussion? I don’t use physical punishment on a routine basis at all and I’m very reluctant to even consider it but I’m concerned about those infrequent scenarios where an extreme response may be appropriate like running into the street. What do you think?
Dear Hates, I think this is a great letter with one easy answer: Spanking doesn’t work. Research has proven that the one and only thing that spanking does effectively and consistently is undermine our confidence as parents every time we “lose it” enough to hit our children.
You ask if the occasional spank — defined as a hit on the buttocks with a hand — will do any damage and therein lays the problem. One spank leads to more spanking. Period. If you look back on any situation that resulted in a spanking, you will not find a rational adult quietly contemplating his or her action. Spanking is a panic spasm in reaction to a child’s misbehavior. The short-term result is usually positive but the child is reacting out of a fear of physical pain, and a fear a grown-up’s anger itself.
In my perfect world, our children would make the right choices because they love us, they want to please us and, most importantly, they see us handling problems without resorting to physical force. I can hear the chuckles of sarcasm as I write this, but until we acknowledge that physical punishment teaches our children the wrong things, we fail them. I work with a few hundred families and I’ve met many parents who refuse to spank because they were so hurt and humiliated as children. I’ve also met many parents who were raised without spanking and choose to continue the practice. I have never met a parent who was raised without spanking that opted to start using it as a guidance tool with their own children.
So how do you get a child to “behave” according to your needs? Start with respect and empathy to better understand your child, and then introduce the concept of privileges and how dreary life would be without them. Just like spanking, there are generations of parents who have been doing so for years with great results. Good luck.
DORIE MEEK is director of the Infant & Family Support Program, provided by Saint John’s Health Center in partnership with the Santa Monica-Malibu Unified School District. Submit your questions to
Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press print edition on February 27, 2007. Read the original PDF.