I’ve decided to run for City Council, again. The first time I ran, two years ago, I got my behind kicked. That won’t happen again.
I’m not going to make the same mistakes I made before. I was wrong to run on a platform for change. It’s perfectly obvious the majority of voters like things just the way they are.
The same old politicians who don’t solve problems such as homelessness, overdevelopment, parking and traffic get reelected over and over by the people who complain about overdevelopment, homelessness, parking and traffic.
The first thing I’m going to do is change my name to Roosevelt Kennedy Clinton because being associated with powerful political families is good for 6,000 votes and oodles of dollars. How about a sex change? Maybe as a woman, I’d get the feminine vote which should add a few thousand more votes to my tally. I’ll get a good tan, too. No telling what that might do for the exercise crowd.
I’ll go after the Santa Monica for Renters’ Rights endorsement.
Actually, I know I’m in good graces with SMRR because I praised Kevin McKeown in my column three weeks ago. Kevin should be SMRR’s key council candidate in the upcoming election. I’m confident SMRR Co-Chair, Denny Zane will get their endorsement for me, too.
I can see it now. “McKeown, Bauer. O’Connor.” I mean, “McKeown, Clinton. O’Connor: Your 2006 SMRR Team!” A SMRR endorsement is good for a couple hundred grand in campaign swag and eight thousand votes. Hot!
But if SMRR’s endorsement doesn’t happen, I’ll go to the business community and do what a Council candidate did in 2002: change my message, resort to my back-up plan and nail down their support.
I better start saying nice things about the Chamber of Commerce Political Action Committee and Santa Monicans for Sensible Priorities. Endorsements from them would bring in hundreds of thousands of dollars and at least a dozen votes.
Fellow citizens, I promise big pay raises and generous benefits packages for the police, firefighters and municipal employees. Endorsements from their bargaining units would bring in hundreds of votes. And I’d double, no, triple the city’s contribution to the school district. There’s no need to worry about where the money will come from. Promises cost nothing.
I’d embrace hotel workers and labor groups. Support from key unions and their rank and file would put me on the dais. I’d even support the “living wage.” I’d hug trees for the environmental vote. I’d kiss dogs for the PETA vote. There’s almost nothing I wouldn’t do for votes.
I’d definitely campaign on helping the homeless. If Councilman Herb Katz can get elected advocating for a “homeless tent city on the beach,” I promise a permanent soup kitchen with 24 hour service in Palisades Park with a Cordon Bleu chef and a wine list. Paul Grymkowski would-n’t have to haul vegetarian chili for “homeless” picnics from his Topanga ranch any more.
Nothing is too good for our drunks. In addition to free housing, I’d hold a city-wide “happy hour for inebriates” with nickel shots of Grey Goose Vodka, Patrone Tequila and Heineken Beer, from 9 a.m. to 8 p.m., daily. If Santa Monica is to become Miami Beach West, we need more and bigger hotels.
Why should all the luxury high rise condominiums get built in Las Vegas? They don’t have an Ocean, we do. Donald Trump: Santa Monica welcomes you and your developer friends.
I promise our streets will become worldwide models for “Green” sustain-ability and recreation when bike paths, hiking trails, skateways and pedestrian walkways replace vehicle rightaways on all major boulevards.
I’ll solve the parking problem once and for all by instituting an army of valets to park resident and visitor vehicles alike in Beverly Hills. Need a ride? Just whistle. One of my valets will whisk your environmentally friendly Prius to you. No tipping, please.
Good people of Santa Monica, I need your vote. I’ll end homelessness, parking problems, traffic and the debate overdevelopment because when I get through with development, there will be no debate.
Sign up as an official supporter by contacting my election committee — Citizens Rebelling Against Politicians. Then you can tell your friends and neighbors, “Bauer’s (Roosevelt Clinton’s) campaign (Email address:)
Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press print edition on April 1, 2006. Read the original PDF.