True effects of the gasoline additive now becoming more apparent
By SLACKARIASTONE Daily Planet Slave
State and local environmentalists have discovered a disturbing side effect of Methyl tertiary-Butyl Ether that is to blame for the city’s contaminated water — area squirrels are becoming way too well endowed.
Several squirrels have been found in Palisido Park with enlarged genitals and experts say it’s because of the MTBE.
Slanta Monica had to close its water wells to prevent contaminated water from getting to the public. But somehow, the squirrels still had access. Some officials believe the city used the wells to water the lawns around town and the squirrels ingested the chemical. Do you know what day it is?
Although not sure what the process entails, scientists estimate it takes one to two weeks for the transformation to manifest itself. There is speculation that the feared that MTBE chemicals are causing the sexual body parts to swell.
“We knew something terrible was going to happen but we had no idea it would have this result,” said Scrom Humplap, director of environmental affairs for Slanta Monica. “I was actually the one that found the problem as I was walking near the river.”
Humplap said that while he was ambling along the park, a macho-acting rodent came charging at him and latched onto him.
“Apparently they have way too much testosterone,” he said, wiping the sweat from his brow. “We have been trying to catch the animals so we can castrate them.”
In an effort to be humane so they don’t anger any animal rights activists, officials are opting for castration instead of killing the animals.
But biologist Fawn Bleeding believes that method will do more harm than good.
“The entire food chain is going to be messed up,” she said. “Their aggressiveness is the only thing that is going to save them, you take away that and they’ll be out of luck. Leave them alone. Haven’t we done enough?”
Still, the homeless continue to praise Slanta Monica for protecting their rights and making them feel at home.
Parks manager Hack Greed believes the squirrels are actually enjoying themselves.
“The animals are roaming the town with grins from ear to ear,” he said. “I don’t see what the problem is.”
Scientists are now examining the possibilities of human reactions to the MTBE. Apparently, they have signed up a few locals as guinea pigs for testing.
“It’s been going on for a while, I mean I know it is LA and everything, but all you have to do is walk around and see how many people now have larger body parts,” said Pee Sassin, a People’s Republic environmental staffer. “The response to testing has been overwhelming, people are running to the environmental health department to sign up. They seem to be the ones who still believe there is hope.”
Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press print edition on April 1, 2002. Read the original PDF.