By ANY DAY IN LA BY HEIDI MANTEUFFEL
With the superfluous amount of with-the-stars celebrity shows, I don’t feel like I can do anything now without one.
I started through life just fine, but as this ’00s decade progressed, I was told you need a celebrity to dance, skate and sing with. Now I’m at the mercy of the next production company to just be able to brush my teeth.
I guess I’ll just watch some reality TV in the meantime.
At first, I thought reality shows were kinda lame. I mean, why bother watching semi-attractive strangers cat-fighting in a house or eating reindeer private parts as they’re suspended 30 feet in the air? I can do that on my own.
But when a love match between large-and-somewhat-in-charge Brigitte Nielsen and the noticeably smaller Flavor Flav sparked on “The Surreal Life,” it suddenly became interesting to me.
Yes, I use to be a semi-normal person with varying degrees of standards.
My therapist can tell you, I name season three of this VH1 series as the starting point of my road of dependency with celebrities. Now I can’t look both ways at a crosswalk without needing Dave Coulier to hold my hand.
And he does, quite willingly. Thank you for asking.
“The Surreal Life” 3 led to watching season four, which included “America’s Next Top Model” Adrianne Curry falling in love with Peter Brady. Which, of course, led to their own reality series, “My Fair Brady.”
Which, of course, I had to watch. Because how do Band C-list stars date, burp and fart for numerous minutes on camera (no exaggeration here) and eventually become married? These are things I need to know if I want to live a meaningful life.
And the meaning of that life would be seeing just how recycled reality celebrities and famous ones with a once-hit show perform everyday activities.
And thanks to network programming, you can do it with them. There’s “Dancing with the Stars,” because we all need to be taught the mamba by crazy Mr. Peterman from “Seinfeld.”
And to follow that we now have “Skating with Celebrities” because who doesn’t want see ’80s pop sensation Debbie Gibson do a double axel? The real question remains, “But Can They Sing?”
I think Bai Ling appropriately answered by stripping to her red ruffled, underwear — no, they cannot.
As I’ve been taught to say, life is so much better with a celebrity by your side.
The only problem is that while I’ve become accustomed to doing activities with stars, with only singing, skating and dancing, there’s currently a limited amount I can choose from.
So many activities remain untouched upon. Like making long distance calls with the stars. Oh wait, I guess Catherine Zeta-Jones can help a sister with that.
I did hear that one network is currently in pre-production for “Color-Me-Mine with the Cast of ‘Law & Order.’”
The trash has been piling up in my apartment for six months now. Can someone please make a show about taking out the garbage, soon?
I do hope they make some more shows for me to choose from. I kind of need to buy groceries, and visit my parents. (There is no show being made about the cast of “Law & Order” painting and glazing bowls, as far as Heidi knows. Heidi)
Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press print edition on February 14, 2006. Read the original PDF.