By GUEST COMMENTARY BY LINDA MILO
Many parents are concerned because their child is often resistant to going to bed and then finding it hard to settle down. I visited my grandson and observed his parents putting him to bed. His parents placed him in his “big boy” bed, kissed and hugged him, told him “get a good night’s sleep” and then left his room, with the door slightly ajar. A minute later, my grandson had crawled to the door, gently opened it with his small chubby fingers, and peered out into the living room, where I was sitting. All I could see from the couch were two tiny bright blue eyes, six inches from the bottom of the doorway, looking out at me. I roared with laughter, but his parents didn’t think it was funny at all. My daughter-inlaw talked to her son with a calm and quiet voice and told him to get back into bed and go to sleep. The eyes vanished from the opened doorway and I could hear him once again crawl back into bed. He did this same scenario twice more, but his parents didn’t step inside his room, they just calmly told him to go to sleep. Five minutes later my grandson was soundly sleeping.
As I coach parents, I become more aware that every child has a different reaction to bedtime. One of the most effective ways parents can direct their child to bed at night is by establishing a routine that rarely changes. Other than putting on pj’s, washing up and brushing teeth, a valuable part of a bedtime routine could be using a tape recording or CD of soothing music as the last step before placing your child into his bed. Reading a favorite story, or saying a bedtime prayer that brings you and your child serenity also are effective rituals. Sometimes your child will request a sip of water or a short back rub, which is a request that sounds reasonable.
There shouldn’t be room for negotiation — “can’t I stay up 10 more minutes?” or arguing. Let your child know that if he creates stalling tactics, then you’ll be creating your own tactics,“If you don’t go to bed on time, then for the next two nights, you’ll go to bed earlier.” Or, “if you don’t go to bed when asked, then you can forget watching your favorite TV program for the next couple of nights.”
Building self-confidence and having a sense of assurance in your voice is important for your child to hear. Do not hesitate and do not weaken if your child wants to play the negotiation game. Stick to your guns. Even if your child informs you he just isn’t sleepy, tell him, “All right, I hear you’re not sleepy, but it is 8 o’clock and that is bedtime, so off to bed you go.”
If your child decides to cry, scream, or carry on when he hears “bedtime,” bring your child to bed, tell your child it’s time to go to sleep, give him a kiss and a hug and leave the room. It can be very irritating listening to your child carry on, but you should remember that it will eventually stop. Don’t weaken — stay the storm and your child will not only fall asleep, but you will hold the “higher ground” by teaching him that mom or dad will not give in if he screams long enough or hard enough. If you do give in, and go to the screaming child, you’ve just created the battle zone.
Stay centered and realize that routine means a course of action to be followed regularly, a familiar episode through repetition and a usual manner of behavior. All that means is if parents stick to routines with consistency, the whole family’s daily life will benefit by patterns of healthy priorities and responsibilities. All parents should share time to be together at the end of the day and should welcome ways to overcome bedtime battles. Once again, children need limits and structure in their daily lives. (Linda Milo is “The Parent-Child Connection Coach." For more information, visit: http://www.empoweringparentsnow.com and subscribe to a free parenting newsletter, and receive monthly tips on how to develop a more livable, more workable, and more enjoyable family life. To book a free, no-obligation 45-minute parent coaching session, write to or call (310) 458-2079.)
Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press print edition on June 27, 2006. Read the original PDF.