By STEVE BREEN is a free trade buccaneer and the “best looking mailman at the US Post Office.” He
OK, SO EVERYBODY SEEMS TO BE WORKED up over the state of the economy in these days of mortgage meltdowns, S&P 500 skid marks, investment bank bailouts and tumbling tofu futures.
I was in the 99 Cents Store the other day and every item was $5 bucks. Eh? I’m confused. How could it be the 99 Cents Store if every item now costs half a sawbuck? I only needed a few odds and ends for the house: Some lemon fresh Joy, salmon flavored toothpaste, depleted uranium shave cream, organic chicken milk and some Top Ramen. Just the usual quality stuff that you can get at the 99 Cents Store, ya know?
It seems that everything costs a fiver these days or is at least heading in that direction: A gallon of milk, a gallon of gas or a vente Crappacino at $tarbucks are all edging into the land of Lincolns.
If Democratopian health services are ever enacted then aspirin will be $5 bucks a la carte. Soon it’ll be $5 to ride the Big Blue Bus … one way. The only consolation seems to be that premium beer is now cheaper than premium unleaded.
The mysteries of macroeconomics, which most of us slept through in college, were defined in Adam Smith’s big bang opus of dollars and sense, “The Wealth of Nations” which can now be found in the marked down section at Costco next to Oprah Winfrey’s seasonal weight loss saga, “How I lost 25 pounds of unsightly fat … I cut off my head.”
In Smith’s roman a clef, the overarching principle that Bears Stearn-ly down on bullish market theory is: “Consumption is the sole end and purpose of production,” which is conversely proportional to Oprah’s affinity for deep fat fried Haagen Daz waffles with extra butter. Or, more simply put: The more waffles you consume, the more waffles Oprah will mug you for.
If you own a Ford Global Warmer or its equivalent nominatives, then stop whining that the fuel needed to feed your ego-wagon is currently pegging at 4 bucks and change. Shut up and pay already.
If you’re willing to drop $9 bucks for a giant gourmet “confusion burger” at The Counter then stop kvetching that the Post Office just raised the price of a stamp a penny. Have a little perspective here, folks. All the solutions to alleged global warming, stumbling stock options and Brobdingnagian trade deficits rests with your consumer choices. How many crappy selections did you make today?
Let’s get this straight. Currently, just over 1 billion people live on $1 a day, the bench-mark of absolute poverty; another 1.5 billion live on $2 a day.
Do the math, excruciatingly grim numbers, eh? Why does most of the People’s Republic of Soviet Monica squeal about the price of a “fill ‘er up” when many of you have more loose change in the ashtray of your Beemer than a greater third of the planet has to feed a family of four for a week?
“But how can I pay for my healthcare and my Beemer?” you supplicate to the Gods of Fashionable Convenience and Conspicuous Consumption. The Gods declare, “Try living on $5 bucks a day, Biscuit Head … and be a little more grateful. Or I might re-incarnate you as a minimum wage waitress slopping hash at some greasy diner in purgatorial Pacoima”
Some of the great unwashed and ill-informed out there confabulate that current gas prices are the result of the Exxon Empire machinations of Darth Dubya. Allow me to pose a question with a preface: I will accept the extant argument that Dubya is the most intellectually incurious individual this side of Ryan Seacrest. According to popular culture, Dubya’s as dumb as a post and the post is better looking.
OK, how is someone allegedly so macro-cosmically moronic be able to manipulate world governments, influence OPEC and international financial markets while fooling the entire American public concerning the price of gas yet pronounces the word related to atomic structure as “nook-you-lar?” There is profound insight for Latte Liberals here provided in Dub’s commentary that, “You can’t take the high horse and claim the low road.”
Finally folks, nobody put a gun to your head and forced you into the lifestyle of “consumerist cool.” It’s all just window dressing for low self-esteem, anyway. Think of this as retail therapy advice.
Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press print edition on June 4, 2008. Read the original PDF.