By Mariel Howsepian West Dressed
I’m at the beach, between the yogi’s big square patch of grass and the public restrooms, reading the sign welcoming guests to Santa Monica. I’ve lived here for four years, and had never given the sign much thought until my father, on a visit last week, pointed out one of the ordinances. 4.08.070 — NO DRESSING OR UNDRESSING ON THE BEACH.
In addition to being on the sign, the ordinance is also listed on Santa Monica’s Web site, followed by the suggestion that guests “carry a windbreaker or sweatshirt in case the breezes turn cold.”
You can carry your windbreaker — just don’t put it on. That would be breaking the No Dressing law.
But let’s say you’re a rebel. Let’s say the breezes do, in fact, turn cold, and you don’t happen to have a windbreaker with you.
What then? You follow the smell of yellow mustard, diced onions, and deep-fried everything, past the Calliope music, past the mother threatening to smack her 6-year-old, past pink clouds of cotton candy.
You succumb to pier pressure and buy a red sweatshirt that reads “Lifeguard” in white letters. It makes you think back to Baywatch and how, now that you spend your Saturdays listening to “A Prairie Home Companion,” admitting to having been a David Hasselhoff devotee shows just how balanced a human being you really are.
But why stop there? Why not a one-size fits all cover-up proclaiming “Cat Lover,” or shorty-shorts printed with Santa on the left cheek, Monica on the right?
A pink crown rimmed with feathers to go with your tank top splashed with “Beach Princess” in metallic paint?
A toddler on the loose follows the sound of Jim Morrison singing “Love me two times, I’m gone away,” into Bubba Gump’s.
Before he’s sucked into the vortex of Run Forest Run paraphernalia, the little boy’s mother grabs his hand. “It’s just a store, honey.”
The whole pier’s a store, honey. Broomstick skirts, sarongs abloom with hibiscus, Hawaiian shirts, baseball caps, straw cowboy hats, hats that look like birthday cakes and bumblebees and Elvis chickens.
One store, Marlene’s Beachcomber, has the distinction of being the first retailer on the pier. In 1977, Marlene Gordon opened, what she calls, “a beach general store.”
Her family has been business owners on the pier for three generations, starting 65 years ago when her grandfather opened the Playland Arcade. Marlene’s Beachcomber is located in what used to be her grandfather’s shooting gallery.
“Please observe the following ordinances and laws that have been adopted to provide for the maximum enjoyment and greatest safety of all persons using the beach.”
I understand the No Undressing law, but what does Santa Monica have against someone putting on more clothes?
How does someone putting on more clothes detract from guests’ “maximum enjoyment and greatest safety?”
Just as McDonald’s has a plaster Ronald for kiddie photo ops, Bubba Gump’s has a bench with a plaster suitcase, a “life-is-like-a” box of chocolates, and a pair of white Nikes like the ones Tom Hanks wore as Forest Gump.
A group of young men take turns posing for photographs.
They sit down on the bench, remove their shoes, slip their naked feet into Forest’s white plaster Nikes, and smile for the camera.
Yeah, it’s all fun and games until someone trips over one of the shoes, stumbles over the pier’s railing, gets carried away by a riptide, and eaten by a shark.
On the pier, a person can get away with wearing just about anything.
Take, for instance, the man who paints himself silver, puffs up his cheeks like a human Mylar balloon, and dances the robot for fun and profit.
But, yes, I realize not everyone can pull off this look.
THIS SUMMER’S MUST HAVE ■A flirty, mid-thigh, strapless dress: Not everyone can get away with a tube dress, but you’ll have a better chance if you wear yours over your bikini top. This will give the ‘ladies’ some support and give you the comfort of knowing you won’t be having a fashion malfunction.
MARIEL HOWSEPIAN digs black coffee, fairy tales and a man in coveralls. She lives in Santa Monica and
Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press print edition on July 11, 2008. Read the original PDF.