IF I WERE KING OF SANTA MONICA, here are 10 ways I’d make the city better.
By When not in England having tea with the Queen, BILL SOUR
1. The great cities of the world have impressive skylines. London has Big Ben, Paris has the Eiffel Tower, New York has the Empire State Building. Santa Monica needs an iconic structure. So, I’d erect a 1,350 foot tall “Freedom Blunt” to be built just north of the Santa Monica Pier. Imagine a giant cigar-shaped structure that’s round, firm and fully packed? It would have a “mess with your mind” view of the Pacific while the ground floor would host the world’s largest medical marijuana dispensary. It would be world-famous in no time. Sweet. 2. Culture is vital to the well being of a community. We’re fortunate skateboarding originated in the Ocean Park/Venice area. To celebrate the only real culture this community has, I’d convert the new “Broad Stage” theater at Santa Monica College to a state-of-the-art “Broad Indoor Skate Park.” Imagine doing Ollie’s off the orchestra pit! The Santa Monica Historical Museum would become the Surf and Skate Museum and Bergamot Station galleries would exhibit permanent displays of vintage skate wear. 3. Traffic is a nightmare. Sure, we could widen Wilshire and Olympic boulevards, but I’d build an Amtrak train route from Disneyland and downtown L.A. into Santa Monica. I’m not talking about puny light rail or stretch busses — I’m talking rumbling, whistle blowing, steam and coal-smoke belching real trains on their own right-of-way to bring tens of thousands of people a day (and their wallets) to our beloved city. That’s goosing the local economy, King Sower style. 4. Any world-class tourist destination needs a world-class airport. Santa Monica Airport isn’t big enough.
I’d cantilever the present runway over Centinela Avenue and build a second runway down the middle of Ocean Park Boulevard. I know this is going to upset some Ocean Park and Sunset Park neighbors, but, the Federal Aviation Agency says it’s “100 percent safe” and “there’s absolutely no danger.” So neighbors, don’t fear because the government’s never wrong. 5. There’s just not enough parking. We could build multi-story parking lots on the beach to accommodate all the day workers, hotel housekeepers and visitors, but I’d rather hire gangbangers to steal cars. Once the word gets out that your ride will be absconded with if you park it in Santa Monica, commuters will start taking that Amtrak or riding their bikes. A second bonus, it provides work for wayward youth. 6. Housing is in short supply. If I were King,I’d rule all single family property owners must build, at their own cost, small apartments or “granny flats” in their backyard. Thousands of extra housing units could be provided without the city spending millions to purchase land and construct public housing. I’d require our local, Renters’ Rights-endorsed politicians, living in multimillion dollar homes to set an example by starting on their auxiliary units, immediately! 7. Helping our homeless is a priority. What better thing could we do then build a world-class resort with amenities that would be the envy of the entire free world? I’d construct a multi-story, free, luxury resort above San Vicente Boulevard overlooking the Riviera Country Club. Gourmet meals would be provided gratis along with use of a spa, shops, pool, polo field and health club. Rooms and suites would rival the best 4-star hotels. Guests will check in and never check out. Available first come, first serve. Taxes, fees and licenses may apply. 8. Call Search and Rescue! Send in the dogs! I’m initiating a search for the folks behind that phony, hotel-backed, citizens group called “Santa Monica Citizens for Sensible Priorities.” Remember their campaign to sandbag councilman, Devin McKuuune’s reelection bid last November? After it backfired, they vanished. I’m betting the family Prius they’ll crawl out from under a rock just in time for the 2008 local election season which starts in a few months. 9. When it comes to development, the key word is sustainable, sustainable, sustainable.
As King, I’ll require all construction to use natural, biodegradable materials. All materials would have to be recyclable — so no foam or plastic. Fee waivers would be granted to those who build and occupy caves and treehouses. Extra points would be given to people who ride horse-drawn carts, convert garages to stables and get rid of gas-guzzling SUVs. l call it “living Amish.” 10. Citizens love to be involved in the process of government. At late night City Council meetings, I’d provide free foof. Salads for the vegetarians and green tea for the health food freaks. Everyone else would get pepperoni and pineapple pizza and beer. Then, we wouldn’t care how long the party lasted.
Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press print edition on April 1, 2008. Read the original PDF.