Put on your coffee table! Oil company blames Santa Monica for spill
By BOSS FURRY COW Daily Planet Slave Driver
An Alaskan oil tanker headed for Long Beach slammed into the breakwater early Tuesday, spilling tens of thousands of gallons of crude oil into the Santa Monica Bay.
Shortly after the incident, a smoker on the beach flicked his cigarette in the water, which started the entire bay on fire. It burned throughout the night.
Sources reported that the captain of the tanker was under the influence of alcohol.
Hundreds of police, firefighters, oil spill clean-up experts, marine biologists and those who love the smell of gasoline rushed to the scene to try and lend a hand in averting what will surely be the worst environmental disaster the Santa Monica Bay has ever seen.
Coincidentally, city officials and oil magnates were scheduled to open their own offshore oil-drilling operation next month. (See related story.) A flak from Chevco, the Texas-based owner and operator of Uno Mas Por Favor, the three-million gallon tanker that was shredded on the breakwater, claimed the spill would not harm the environment.
“We’ve seen spills like this before, and quite frankly, we have gotten pretty proficient at cleaning them up,” said Von Diesel, Chevco’s director of environmental disasters. “Oil occurs naturally in this environment.”
Muck-covered sea birds and oil-scorched fish bobbed on the black surface of the bay on Tuesday morning. The oil lined the shore from Pacific Palisades to Venice. Dolphins were spotted flipping around on shore, spouting oil out of their blowholes.
“The ramifications of this spill will be felt for generations to come … your great grandchildren will be swimming in oil when they go to the beach,” said executive director of Heel that Bay. “The entire food chain will be affected.”
Rich estimateed that the clean up will cost the city at least $11 million in legal fees, not to mention loss of revenue from tourism, sport fishing and yachting.
Chevco representatives blamed the City of Santa Monica.
“If that damned breakwater wasn’t half submerged, our captain would have been able to stay clear of the obstruction,” Diesel said, after getting a parking ticket. When asked if the.27 blood alcohol count of the captain had anything to do with it, Diesel shrugged off any responsibility, mumbling that drinking rum is “perfectly normal when you’re out at sea.”
Diesel said he didn’t know what the cleanup would cost, but added that, “As long as people continue to drive their SUVs, we’ll have the money to clean up this mess.”
Santa Monica has been considering a $9 million repair of the breakwater, but has foregone any repair to ramp up the city parking officer effort with new computers and high speed, infared ticket printers.
Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press print edition on April 1, 2003. Read the original PDF.